Unlocking It All
by My Couch 2 U
Summary: Everyone is reeling with the inundation of feelings that has come with high school. Riley is anxious about the future and everyone else's well being. Maya is confused about a lot of things, like what does she want and can she handle being vulnerable. Is the dynamic of the triangle really surrounding Lucas? or could it be something else?
1. Chapter 1: Triangle?

Author's Note: So I am new to posting fanfiction. I literally just posted my first chapter about an hour or so ago. I have a hard time sharing my work so I am some what terrified by this. But I am trying to get better at sharing and writing and I know this is the way to do it. I really appreciate any feedback on content or stylistic choices. I just really hope it is constructive criticisms :)

Chapter 1: Triangle?

 **Riley**

I woke up this morning and immediately started thinking. Lately, everything just goes around and around in my head on repeat. I continue thinking as I get ready to school. I am just really worried about everyone. _I put on my clothes, something with warm bright colors in the hopes that it will bring up my mood._ I just want to keep the peace. _I brush my teeth and braid my hair._ I want everyone to be happy. _I walk into the kitchen and eat the breakfast my mom has set out for me. She made my favorite, Cinnamon Rolls, so that puts a smile on my face._ However, this "triangle" seems to be making everyone upset, including those outside of it. It has affected the entire group. Farkle is worried about Maya and me. I mean he loves us both equally and hates seeing both of us in emotional turmoil. I think Zay is most worried about Lucas. He is doing his best to talk him through it. Smackle really just wants to support us in any way she can, but I can see it weighs on her too.

Lucas just seems lost. Half the time he seems zoned out, like he isn't really present. My dad has to pull his attention back to class all the time. He doesn't want to hurt anyone either, which is why he hasn't "picked." I don't like that he is in this position where it really is up to him. He has to pick between me and my best friend. How does this even make sense? If he picks Maya, I will be hurt but I feel like that causes the least damage. If he picks me, he hurts the person I care most about in the world. Maybe I should be thinking about that… No no no.

I'll think about how Maya is changing. I feel like she is more distant than usual. I know this situation is probably hardest for her. We all think it is hard for Lucas because he has to make the decision, but no. Maya hates feeling vulnerable. She hates putting herself emotionally out there because she could end up hurt. This is two fold in this situation because not only is she worried about her relationship with Lucas, she is also probably concerned about the dynamic between she and I. This is what hurts the most, especially because I would never leave her.

Maya walks through the door to walk me to school. I didn't realize how long I had been sitting there just thinking.

 **Maya**

This triangle has really been something else. It has made me think a lot. Like what do I want from a relationship? What attributes do I look for in a partner? Things like that. It has made me change a lot, because these questions sure as hell are not things I would have thought about before. I would have remained unattached and aloof. Overall though, honestly, I am just really confused. I really don't know if I have feelings for Lucas. Riley says I do and, most times, she knows me better than I know myself. All I know for sure is that this situation makes me vulnerable; I keep trying to convince myself that it is because of the fact that I could lose Lucas but I know it is really because I am worried about my relationship with Riley. She has been my rock basically my entire life. She has been there for me through everything: my dad leaving, my mom not totally being there for me for awhile, my difficulty in school, and I need to stop listing things before I get depressed. I have started to pull away to protect myself. I hate this feeling because the one thing I am sure of is Riley and I am even pulling away from her.

Despite this I try my best to maintain the normal routine, I walk to Riley's to pick her up for school. Immediately when I walk in I can sense that Riley is off. She has this intense look on her face. She is super tense and really upset. She brightens up when she sees me though and I can't help but smile.

 **Riley**

As soon as Maya gets here I can feel some of the tension fade away. Despite her apparent distance, she has still shown up every day. She has not run away or disappeared, which the old Maya Hart would have been long gone. This provides me some solace.

"Peaches!"

"Hi Honey." She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. This stings a little for some reason.

"Let me just grab my bag and then we can go."

"No problem." She goes into the kitchen and grabs a cinnamon roll to eat on the way there. I go grab my stuff for school and we head out. She always leads. She takes us through all the traffic successfully and gets us to school on time, mostly because she knows that is important to me.

 **Maya**

We make it to school on time. Originally, this was for Riley because she is such a goody goody, but now it has partially become about me. School is a good distraction. During school there is usually something to keep me busy, to keep me distracted. I am pretty good at pushing my problems aside most of the time, but at least at school Riley can't make me talk to her about them in the Bay Window. I obviously love that time and that she cares for me so deeply, but the vulnerability of it all has been especially hard lately. I have been trying my best to dodge the questions but seeing Riley get upset by this makes me cave.

We walk up the stairs and are immediately greeted by Farkle, Smackle, Zay,... and Lucas. Riley quickly says hi to everyone and gives them all hugs. I hang back. When she hugs Lucas… I don't know… it hurts. Again, I tell myself it is because of the triangle. However, I am starting to question the triangle. Shouldn't I be excited to see Lucas? Shouldn't I want to talk to him and think about him like all the time? When I see him, all I want to do is call him Bucky McBoing Boing and scream Ha Hurr in his face. I don't think those are romantic feelings. Maybe Riley was wrong… I push it aside.

"Hey Farkle."

"Hey Maya! How are you?"

"I'm fine." I'm being short so Farkle fills the silence. He knows me pretty well at this point, not as well as Riley, but a close second. He can tell I am trying to distract myself from the fact that Riley and Lucas are still talking. That every once in awhile Riley reaches up and touches his arm.

The bell rings and I am relieved to go to class. At least there desks separate us.


	2. Chapter 2: First Puzzle Piece

Author's Note: So this one gets a bit historical but you will obviously realize it is setting up for chapters to come. I had to split this into two chapters as I got really into it. This is where I pulled the poem from: . . It is not mine. I also wanted to say thank you so much for the couple of reviews and follows. They were very encouraging. Keep them coming and let me know your thought, feelings, and ideas :)

Chapter 2: The first puzzle piece

Maya

We enter Harper's classroom and each take our respective seats. I look up at the board to see what she has in store for us today. It reads: Sappho: Fragment 31. Oh no... I feel the color drain from my face. I have read this one before. I am surprised that she can teach this in a high school, but I mean this school has always been overly liberal.

I came acrossed it when I was reading poetry. Poetry has a way of creating an image in the same way that I create an image with paint or pencil. I find it beautiful. That is one of my secret hobbies, even Riley doesn't know about it. This one in particular led to more research. Research that lead to a lot more questions. Questions that I had chosen to ignore for a very long time.

Riley

Maya's attitude shifted completely when we got into the classroom. At first, she seemed relieved, but then she went chalk white like she had just seen a ghost. Normally, she is really excited for Harper's class. I think she identifies most closely with her out of all of our teachers, so I'm surprised by her reaction. I lean over to her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?" She says way too quickly. I decide not to push it.

"Alright. I don't know. I was just making sure." I smile at her to further show my acquiescence.

I look up at the board. It says Sappho: Fragment 31. That sounds cool! Sappho is fun to say. It sounds bright and happy. Plus it is mysterious to have a work titled Fragment 31. It sounds like a piece of a puzzle yet to be finished.

"Good Morning students!" Harper begins. "How are we today?"

Everyone groans while I say "Lovely!"

"Well okay then. Tough crowd. Let us get started with our lesson for today. Sappho: Fragment 31. Sappho is an archaic Greek poet. There is not a lot known about Sappho herself. We have bits and pieces of her family life. It is believed that her mother's name was Cleis and the father's name is still under debate. She is believed to have had three brothers. She may or may not have had a husband and a child."

Just from this little bit of lecture I am already confused. Why don't we know anything about Sappho? Why is it questioned if she had a husband or child? So I raise my hand and ask just that.

Maya

Oh no oh no oh no. Harper was keeping it brief. She had not gotten into the possibility that Sappho was a lesbian. I am sure she was leading up to it, but my guess is she would have let us read the poem first so as to allow us to draw our own conclusions. However, Riley in confusion has begun asking questions already.

"Well Riley." Harper responds. "Much of Sappho's life is greatly contested. All we really have to go on is her own poems which have to be translated to English, some other ancient works, and what we have been able to put together by drawing our own conclusions. In the spirit of that, how about we read the poem and then we can continue this discussion based on everyone's questions, including your one about her husband and child Riley." Called it.

Alright she still has not tied it in yet. Why is this making me so nervous? It is probably because I am worried about Riley's reaction. She has not come in contact with homosexuality and this could possibly blow her naive mind. Right? That's definitely it. Nothing else.

Riley

So she didn't really answer my question fully, but it makes sense that not having written history and issues with translation could cause some issues in filling in the blanks of Sappho's life. I still think it is odd that she is so widely debated. Like why? She is just another female poet.

Harper begins handing out a sheet with the poem on it. She prefaces this with the fact that there are several different translations and this is just one of them. I begin to read it:

He seems an equal of the gods,

That man who sits across from you

And your sweet speaking, being near,

Can overhear

And that seductive laugh, which sets

the heart to flutter in my chest

For when I glance your way, my words

Dissolve unheard.

Silence breaks my tongue and subtle

fire streams beneath my skin,

I can't see with my eyes, or hear

through buzzing ears.

Sweat runs down, a shiver shakes

Me deep - I feel as pale as grass:

As close to death as that, and green,

Is how I seem.

I have to read it a few times. I am not totally sure what she is getting at at first. When I read through the second time, I realize she is speaking about the woman. The third time I realize how highly she speaks of this woman. Who is this woman? Is this her best friend? Her Maya?

Maya

So I read through it again. I look over to try to gauge what Riley is thinking. I can tell she is reading through it a few times, trying to pick each portion apart for understanding. She seems to have something to say as she starts writing things on the paper. This is when Harper starts speaking. "So class, give me your thoughts? Your questions?"

Riley's hand immediately shoots up. "Yes Riley"

"So other than the first line, Sappho is speaking about the woman right?"

"Yes she is."

"Okay… so who is this woman? And what is her relation to Sappho?"

Wow Riley really dived right in with that question. Harper opens it up to the class. I sit quietly to see what others say. Smackle goes first. "So there are a couple things that stuck out to me. In the second strophe, she mentions a seductive laugh and how that makes her heart flutter. Then in the third strophe, I think she is talking about being incapable to speak or function. Then the fourth strophe, I underlined green. I know green usually represents jealousy."

Farkle says "To add to that, I feel like the poem is unfinished. Like the one line at the end just hangs there."

Harper listens intently. I am internally freaking out. They have basically pointed out the things that have been hotly debated as to why Sappho is most likely a lesbian.

Harper then says "Those are definitely the important portions of the poem. In fact, those are the exact things that historians have been looking at for years. I will say, Farkle, you are correct. The poem is unfinished. That is known almost for certain. So we may not know how Sappho continues but we do have this portion to go on. Does anyone want to try to answer Riley's questions? The ones about who the woman is and her relation to Sappho." There is a long silence.

Lucas just throws out there "Are they friends?" He never really knows what is going on in the class but when people are silent he just puts something out there. Harper responds "well that is one way of looking at it. Maya what do you think?"


	3. Chapter 3: Rainbow Cat is Out of the Bag

Author's Note: So obviously I am devastated by the news that they are canceling Girl Meets World. I think it is sad that we will not see these characters and actors continue to grow, that they will not get the opportunity to talk about even more important topics, and yes that we will not see where these characters end up (including romantically). I am going to hold out hope that Netflix will pick it up, especially considering they will only improve it and I think it will do better as a Netflix original. I appreciate all of your reviews, follows, and favorites as always :)

To summarize the previous chapter (as this one starts directly where that one left off), the characters are introduced to homosexuality through the poem written by Sappho Fragment 31. Everyone is really lost, well everyone but Maya. Harper calls on Maya and now we will see what happens...

Chapter 3: Rainbow Cat is out of the Bag

Maya

Oh shit… did she just call on me? Oh god. How am I going to answer this without giving away my interest in poetry and the fact that after reading this poem I ended up reading A LOT about the LGBTQ+ community. I can try to feign being stupid, but Harper will see through that. She knows I am the most street-wise in here and that I am the one that is most likely to know the true meaning. I bite the bullet. "I think that the woman is more than just Sappho's friend. I think that she is her lover. I think that as Smackle pointed out, Sappho is completely in awe of this woman. She makes her heart beat fast, she becomes tongue tied, and she is jealous of the man that this woman is sitting with."

Everyone turns to me in complete shock. I think this is probably the most intelligent answer I have ever given and on top of that I basically just said Sappho is a lesbian. Zay just says "Wait what just happened?" Harper just sits there with a smirk on her face. She still wants to see where the class will go with this on their own before she reveals her thoughts and the historical facts.

"So class, do you understand what Maya just said?"

Farkle once again raises his hand. Him being the genius he probably has some understanding of what I just described. "Farkle."

"I think what Maya just said, so eloquently might I add-"

I pipe up "No you may not."

He continues "is that Sappho is a lesbian. That she is romantically interested in women. Which now looking at the things that Maya pointed out and connected, I have to agree with her. Sappho seems to be quite distraught over this particular woman."

Riley

Did Maya just give an answer that was really educated and totally based in evidence? I know she is smart, but normally she just responds with a sassy remark when called on. I think I am in shock so it takes me a moment to process. Thankfully, Farkle summed it up nicely. So Maya and Farkle are saying that Sappho likes women. Romantically. So she likes women the way most women like men.

Lucas chimes in "well then I guess she is more than just her friend then."

So my questions are starting to be answered. The woman is Sappho's lover or girlfriend. I think on this for a moment. As I am thinking, Harper begins speaking again.

"So with all of that said, what if I told you all the Sappho was from the island of Lesbos. Do you think this furthers the claim?"

Smackle responds "That would make sense. It would mean that Sapphos is the origin of sapphic and Lesbos is the origin of lesbian."

I am slightly lost at this point. Harper comes back to me. "So Riley do you think we have answered your questions?"

"I am slightly confused by some of this, I am not going to lie. However, I think that I understand that this woman is Sappho's lover or girlfriend. That her relation to Sappho is more than just her friend, that she is romantically interested in her in the way that most women are interested in men. The only question that is left is why do we not know about the husband and child?"

"Well what do you think Riley?"

"Um… well if she is a lesbian. Then it would not be likely that she would get married and have a child."

"That is part of it, Riley. The other part is that when a possible husband is mentioned in her poems the name translates to Dick Allcock from the Isle of Man. And when they refer to her possible child the term that is used can also be used as a term of endearment for a young lover."

Things are starting to click into place. I just do not know how I feel about all of this. I mean this is a lot of new information to take in. I feel very overwhelmed.

Maya

Well it is all out there now. Riley is obviously confused and overwhelmed. I can see that. I am still freaking out. I am confused as well. Like why am I so worried about talking about homosexuality? This is just about a poem and its author. Why is this bothering me so much?

Harper goes into the full history to sum it up and gives her opinions about the poem. Through discussion she had basically gotten us all there on our own. I am always in awe by how she does this with just a few questions. I zone out as I already know all of it.

Riley turns and looks at me directly. This makes me like extremely nervous for some reason. She mouths to me Bay Window, Bay WIndow in 6 hours. Now I am totally screwed… She is going to start asking a ton of questions and I am going to have to answer them because if her brown doe eyes don't do it then she will just say ring power and it is game over. I begin mentally preparing myself now.


	4. Chapter 4: So Many Questions?

Author's Note: Sorry it has taken me a while to update. It was partially me getting all my thoughts together and partially life. I am applying for summer internships, getting ready to go back to school, and have totally gotten sucked into The Good Wife. This chapter definitely gets into the meat of what LGBTQ+ is in my opinion. If anyone feels I have misrepresented something or needs more information etc., feel free to reach out to me and I can update the chapter. This chapter is very much a set up for the rest of the story. Due to the time it has taken to update and just the subject itself, this one is definitely longer than the previous chapters. As always I appreciate your thoughts :)

Chapter 4:

Riley

I have so many things going through my head I literally cannot hold my train of thought. Thoughts swirl around and around and it feels like I have a million people talking in my head at once. I hear my name kind of fade into my head like someone started calling me while they were really far away and then continued as they walked closer. "Riley!" Finally it bursts through the fog in my brain. My head snaps up. "What? Huh… Oh yea dad?"

"Have you heard any of what I have said?"

"...no." I say hesitantly but I have to be honest. I look over to Maya and expect to see her concerned but she is just as zoned out as I was a moment ago. I don't think she has heard any of this. Maybe she is confused by the english lecture too. Maybe she has never heard of lesbians. I think what I am really scared of is if she had the same question I originally did... is this girl Sappho's Maya? I have been carrying around the poem sheet with that question written on it all day. What does it mean that that is what I thought?

Maya

I am totally stuck in my own mind. I usually zone out in class. But this, this is different. This isn't mind numbing bliss that I usually get for the few hours I am in school. This is filled with thoughts. I have thought after thought running through my mind. I can feel all the nervousness just continue to build up as school ending gets closer. If she starts asking me questions, what am I going to say? Then there are the questions about myself. I don't like that this is all being brought up. I had shoved this way, way….way down!

I start to plan out what she might ask so I can try to figure out what I am going to say and not say. She will probably ask what it means to be a lesbian? That one I can answer. Next will probably be if there are more terms, like what is sapphic? I can give her a broad overview like LGBTQ acronym and what each identity means. My guess she will just be looking for information so she can better understand.

What I really need to do is calm down. Currently, I am not being like exposed or made vulnerable, yet I feel the most vulnerable I have been in a while. So why do I feel like this? I know why... I know that I have things to deal with but I just didn't expect for this to be what forces me to. I don't really need to right now though… right?!

Riley

The bell rings and I am immediately out of my chair. I hear Lucas in the background say "Girls?" But I just grab Maya's hand and start moving through the halls, weaving through all the people. Yes I recognize the irony considering this was her this morning and now I am the one leading. I am on a mission, we need to get to the bay window faster than we ever have before.

I sit down. I thought that the questions would just come once we were in the bay window. But my thoughts still feel like they are moving to fast to catch. We have literally just been sitting here in silence for like 10 minutes. The longer we sit there the more Maya can literally not sit still. Why is she so nervous? She literally looks like she is about to jump up and fly out the window and down the fire escape.

Maya

She grabbed my hand. I am paying way too much attention to that connection, to her hand in mine. I remember a time where I used to think about every single time Riley and I touched, even just slight brushes of the shoulder. I used to recount every time RIley and I hugged, held hands, or talked in the Bay Window every night before I went to bed. Then I read Sappho's poem and learned about the LGBTQ+ community. After that, I stopped. I hit the brakes and put up a huge wall.

I didn't even notice how fast we were moving till we were at the bay window. Now we are literally just sitting here. It has been like 5 years! WHY ARE WE JUST SITTING HERE? I am freaking out. Like a lot. The longer we sit here the more I want to shut down and escape. The only reason I am still in my seat is because Riley has gotten me to a point where escape is not my first reaction. I am so close to losing it though. I can't even look at her because all I can do is look at the exits and think of ways to get out of this situation.

Riley finally speaks. "Maya, why are you so nervous?" That's her first question?! Oh my god… I did not prepare for this. "I'm not nervous. Ha no I just have to um… pee. I'll be back." I literally have to contain myself from running out of the room. I go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Pull yourself together Hart. You are not being scrutinized. You are just giving information. You don't have to deal with your emotions right now. You still have time. Deep breathes. Count to ten. 1... 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… 9… 10. Alright go. I walk back to her room and steel myself before entering.

Riley

Um… she left. She probably really did just have to pee. That makes sense. Okay. Collect your thoughts. What am I going to ask? Well I was confused by the word sapphic. There are probably other terms I am confused by too. How do relationships work when it is between two girls? Why haven't we seen any same-sex couples? How do you know if you are a lesbian? I am sure the answers to these will lead to more.

Do I ask about my thoughts about the poem? Do I ask about us? I am probably the only one that like questioned that. I don't know why my thoughts went there when I read the poem. I know I don't like seeing Maya with Lucas but that is because I like Lucas. I want Maya to be happy though. But I also know how I react when I see Maya; I immediately feel my heart skip a beat, my mind blanks out, and I immediately feel warm inside. With Maya, I feel calm and happy. I feel safe from everything and that it really is just the two of us. Maya is -

\- She is here. I feel my lips pull up at the edges immediately.

Maya

I walk back in. She immediately starts smiling at me. Shit… I am so screwed. I put up my protective wall and facade up for the time being. She cannot see that I am losing it. "Hi Riles." I sit down.

"Hi peaches!" I feel my heart skip. "So… I have some questions." I steel myself for the first question. "What does sapphic mean?" Ok an easy one.

"Sapphic is another way to say that a girl is interested in other girls romantically." That seems to make sense to her as she continues soon after letting my answer settle in.

"So two girls can be in a relationship. Can two boys?"

"Yes. There is actually a whole LGBTQ+ community."

"Can you explain LG..uh… you know?"

"LGBTQ+. It stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer. There is a longer one that is less often used. It is LGBTQQIAAP. This one adds questioning, intersex, asexual, ally, and pansexual. Lesbian obviously is two women. Gay is usually used for two men but it really can be used for girls too. Bisexual means that the person likes both boys and girls. Transgender means that the person does not identify with their birth gender. Queer is an umbrella term which to put simply means that a person is not straight. Intersex means the individual is born with both male and female sex organs. Asexual means that they are not interested in a sexual relationship, which occurs on a spectrum. Ally means that the person supports the community. Pansexual means that the person will date people they are interested in no matter their gender identity."

Riley

Ok that was a lot to take in… I go and grab a notebook because I want to understand and I know that this is too much to process the first time around and all in my head. I literally have zero frame of reference to build from. I feel so ignorant. I hand Maya the notebook. She writes the acronym vertically down the page. She puts what it stands for next to it with the simple definitions she gave me previously. She writes sexual and gender orientations at the top. Throughout this, I watch her hand move. The intricate way she writes in cursive. Then I look up at her to look at her face. Her light blonde hair has fallen a bit forward as she works diligently on this "cheat sheet." It cascades down her shoulders in the most graceful way I have ever seen. I look away before she notices me looking, just like I always do.

"So Riley all of these help describe individuals who have different sexual orientations or gender identities than what is considered the "norm" meaning cis and heterosexual. Cisgender means you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth. Heterosexual means you are straight and that you like only the gender that is opposite from you, so in your case boys."

The diagram has helped a lot. I feel like I can ask questions a little easier now. "So there is sexual orientation which is like" I move my hand to the acronym and move my finger down it. "Lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, questioning, asexual, and pansexual."

Maya smiles. "Yes Riley." I continue. "So then there is also gender identity." I go back to the diagram. "This would be transgender, questioning, intersex, and that's it?" I look up at Maya as that just seems a lot less than sexual orientation.

"No. Technically there is a lot more gender identities and sexual orientations actually. They are just not included in the acronym. Transgender is also kind of an umbrella term in a way. There are a ton of gender identities, such as genderqueer, gender fluid, bigender, trigender, agender, androgyne, non-binary, and so on."

Maya

I can see that the diagram specifically is keeping her anchored. The longer we talk the more I calm down. She really is just trying to get more information to try to understand. I hand the notebook back to her. I honestly could not deal with her leaning over me to point at the different portions of the acronym. She writes down a few things that she wants to remember. I think specifically more detail about trans stuff. She seems to understand the split. "Sexual orientation and gender identity happen on a spectrum and each person's experience is unique." She is still writing some things. She flips the page and starts drawing some things. "Riles. This is a lot to take in in one sitting."

She looks up at me. "Maya, I know. But right now I have learned there is a whole world out there that I am completely and totally ignorant to. Can you explain what asexual is more?" Riley doesn't like feeling like she doesn't know something, especially when it comes to understanding other people.

"Yea I can. So being asexual is another umbrella term. This occurs on a spectrum. If you were to think of sexuality as a straight line moving upwards, asexual would be at 0 and sexual would be at 100. In the middle is demisexual and gray-a, which can be referred with other terms. There is a sexual portion, which deals with how the individual views the idea of the act of sex, and then there is the romantic orientation. This is similar to sexual orientation labels but only in the romantic way. So for example, homoromantic means that the person only feels romantic feelings for a person of the same sex, Heteroromantic only for opposite sex, biromantic for both boys and girls, and panromantic so romantically attracted to others despite gender identity. Then there is aromantic. These individuals feel little or no romantic feelings for anyone." All while I am speaking Riley is furiously writing everything down. She seems to have figured out the more well known ones by asking about the less well known ones. I mean she is smart. She puts more than two and two together, she reads between the lines. She stops writing and pulls back to look at it. She then looks at me. "I am sure I am going to have more questions but there is always google and I can ask you later too. I think that is enough to process information wise for one day."

I sigh thinking she is done. "Maya how do you know all of this?" My mind literally goes blank.

Riley

Maya seemed so smooth explaining all of this LGBTQ+ information. It made me wonder how she knew all of this, especially when I didn't. I am usually the one that openly knows things. When I ask her about it, I feel like I can literally see the cogs in her mind stop turning. I wait for her to regain her thought processes. "I… ummmm… came acrossed it once while surfing the internet."

"Really? I wonder why I never came across it. What were you looking at?" Again she hesitates.

"Uh… I… well I was reading poetry and came across Sappho's poem." Now it was my turn for my mind to go blank. She reads poetry? Why did I not know this? I thought we told each other everything. I thought I knew everything there was to know about Maya. Guess I was mistaken… That really hurts.

"You read poetry?"

"Yes. I like how the words paint a picture the same way I do with my hands." I am completely shellshocked. I start crying. I don't even totally know why I am crying. The tears just start slowly dripping down my face.

Maya

Oh God Oh God Oh God. She is crying. I fucked up. I made her cry. I hurt her. I immediately scoot over to her. I pull her into a hug. "Riley I am so sorry. I didn't know that the fact that I didn't tell you I read poetry was going to hurt you this much. I like the way poetry makes me feel. It has been an escape and it often teaches me new things."

"Maya I am not mad at you. I mean I am hurt that you didn't tell me. I thought we told each other everything, but obviously I was wrong." I feel my wall crack a bit. "I think the tears are from the fact that I have been super anxious all day but honestly I have been anxious for weeks. This just was the last straw." She then really starts crying. I pull her in again and hold her tight, hoping to hold her together. I then lay her head in my lap and pet her hair to get her to calm down. Her tears finally stop and her breathing settles. I take this moment of peace.

"Riles. I know there has been a lot of new today. I know you have been thinking about a lot lately. We don't need to talk about it right now. I think that honestly after the day you have had… it has been enough. We can talk more later, ok?"

Riley

"Yes Maya that is probably smart. Will you come stay over this weekend and we can talk about stuff and just chill too? I need a Maya weekend."

"Yea I can do that honey."

"Can you sit here with me for a little longer?"

"Whatever you want."

I pull Maya into me and hold her tight. I keep her there for a good 5 minutes. I feel safe. My mind goes completely calm in her arms. She always holds me just as tight back, like she is trying to keep me together. I run my fingers through the hair where my hand lies. She rubs soothing circles on my back. I enjoy this moment of bliss just feeling her. I realize I have lingered way too long and I finally let go. She looks sad. But she says goodbye and exits out the window like always.

Riley AND Maya

I have A LOT to think about.


	5. Chapter 5: Maya's emotional shit

Author's Note: Alright guys and gals, we have hit the beginning glimpse of M territory. I know that it has been awhile since I have posted. Unfortunately, it is going to stay that way. I am back at school and with readings and other assignments I just do not have as much time. However, I will post when I can and I am hoping at least once a week, especially considering this is a great emotional release for myself lol. This chapter is entirely in Maya's POV. As always I love hearing from you :)

Chapter 5: Maya's emotional shit

I walked back to my apartment in a daze. I could tell I had a million things I actually had to think about and that I knew I did not want to. I started to get a headache. Riley definitely knows about the LGBTQ+ community now. However, she has not digested it or internalized it yet. This is all so new and foreign to her. It isn't new to me and the fact that it is now out in the open means that I really need to be honest with myself and think this through. I can't avoid it anymore. I guess this is part of growing up. By the time I get home I am emotionally exhausted. I get in the shower in the hopes that this would clear my head. Instead I end up leaning against the side of the shower with the hot water running down my body and start to think.

I realize I should take this methodically. I have to do something because I cannot sit here in denial and therefore in pain for the rest of my life. Start at the less emotional level. I can do that. Yea. ummm… the triangle I guess is a place to start. Before the nuclear bomb was dropped on my life, I was trying to figure out if I was actually interested in Lucas. So that is probably a good place to start.

So pros… he is a nice guy. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. He accepts me as I am. He doesn't try to change me. I like teasing him, which I guess could be seen as flirting.

Cons… He doesn't challenge me. He should make me want to be a better person. So him not trying to change me is sort of an issue, but it makes me comfortable. I don't think that is how a relationship should make me feel though. Honestly… he doesn't really make me feel anything. He is there. I am not jealous when other girls talk to him. I mean I am not jealous when Riley talks to him and she is my best friend. He doesn't make me feel passionately. I don't feel a desire to be around him all the time. I don't want to know what he wants to do with his life. I really could care less if he is there or not to be honest.

These are obviously not romantic feelings. I am not interested in Lucas…. Woah. Well that is one thing solved I guess. I look down and realize my fingers have gone all prune like because I have been in the shower so long. I turn off the water and grab my towel to dry off my hair and my body. I hop out and find the comfiest pajamas I can find. I settle on a pair of black joggers, a Guns and Roses t-shirt, a loose fitting sweatshirt, and some black fuzzy socks. My mind goes blank as I go through this task. I was able to focus on something else for just a moment.

Then I crawl into bed… immediately an image of Riley pops in my head. This was happening before. When I first found out that there were people out there that weren't heterosexual, I started having flashes late at night. They were technically memories at first. I would think of sleepovers where she would cuddle up next to me. We would be on the couch and she would scoot closer and lay up against me and I would put my arm around her. I could feel how content she was to be that close to me. I would run my hand through her hair. It is one of the times when I am the happiest. Then there were the times when I would think about how we would both share her full-sized bed. There was technically room for both of us, but one-way or another we would both end up right up against each other. I would think about the heat that radiated from her. It was like she was a werewolf from one of those Twilight movies. She was a little hot-box. I could feel her breathing settle out into a slow rhythm as she fell asleep. I would cherish this time. She is beautiful when she is asleep. The worry falls from her face. She is so peaceful. That is how it started… as memories. I repressed thinking about her at night like this at this point because I knew where they would go if I continued thinking this direction.

However, tonight it went further than that. The image of Riley wasn't a memory. It started with what was technically only 20 minutes prior. We were both in the shower together. She had her back to me. Her long dark hair running down her slender back in chunky locks from being wet. The water cascading down her shoulders to the middle of her back and down her spine. I can feel my desire to get closer. To kiss down this trail that the water is taking. I feel myself move forward and place my hands on her hips and draw her against me. I trail those kisses across her shoulders toward her neck. I hear her sigh contentedly. As I move across her left shoulder toward her neck, she leans her head to one side giving me more access to her neck. I move her hair to her other shoulder and suck lightly just behind her pulse point. Her breath catches in her throat. As soon as I hear that I become hungry for more. I flip her around while at the same time moving her up against the side of the shower. The water runs nice and warm over us, not that it matters as there is plenty of heat radiating from us both. I look up and she seems surprised back my quick movement. Our bodies are pressed together and I feel her breasts pressed against the top of mine. Everything about having her that close feels amazing. I then go to move to her lips and… I stop myself.

Holy shit. What am I doing? Did I just have a beginning of a really hot fantasy about Riley? Fuck. I did. Guess the next item on the list of methodically handling my deep seeded feelings is if I have feelings for Riley. This one is much more emotional than Lucas.

Riley and I have a very deep emotional intimacy. We talk about everything. In fact, she is the only person I tell everything to. I tell her all my emotional baggage from my family, the places where all my walls are built, how hopeless I feel life and the world is, etc. She is who I rely on completely. I let her see me. The only person I let hope in for, and that was only after she had stayed in my life for like five years. Riley challenges me. She makes me want to be a better person. Not only that she literally makes me a better person every day. She believes in me even when I don't. She has made me focus on school. She helped me confront my dad. She helped me have hope for my new family with Shawn. She brought me into a group of friends who support one another no matter what. She makes me not want to plot and scheme and cause mass chaos. I am better because she makes me want to do so, not only because I do not want to do disappoint her, but because she has shown me that I am worth something. So obviously the emotional part is there…

I mean I literally think about Riley 24/7. She is the only person on my mind. I mean I obviously worry about my mom and I am protective of our friends, but Riley is who I really think about. I think about how happy I am around her. I think about how her smile makes me smile. I think about how her mere presence calms me. I think about the next time I will see her and text her the entire time in between. But mainly… I worry about her. I think about if she is ok. If the triangle is hurting her. If she is stressed. If she really needs me. If I cause more harm, than good in her life. I want what is best for Riley no matter what the situation, even if that means stepping away. I am willing to destroy myself for her. Riley is all that matters.

It goes farther than that. I have been repressing the physical feelings for years, or at least trying to reign them in. When she smiles at me, I feel my heart melt. When she hugs me, I feel my heart do back flips. When she holds my hand, I feel the butterflies in my stomach. Sometimes I know I look at her longer than I should and I know it's with more adoration than just friends. Honestly, I am amazed no one has noticed, or at least no one has said anything. When we do have sleepovers, it takes everything in me not to pay attention when she is changing out of respect. It takes everything in me not to initiate cuddling with her on the couch. It takes everything in me not to wrap myself around her when we share a bed together. It is harder when I am around her to ignore these feelings. When I am away, I can push them aside or let my mind go blank. But sometimes, the physical attraction will seep in, like tonight obviously.

Now reflecting on all this… I realize I definitely have feelings… more than friend feelings… for Riley. Shit… what am I supposed to do with that. Do I tell her? That makes me vulnerable and risks me being rejected. It also puts our friendship in jeopardy. I don't think I could handle losing her. So then I don't tell her? Then I sit on these feelings and basically emotionally torture myself. This is a fucking terrible situation. Like what the hell am I supposed to do with this.

I look up at the clock as I can feel my eyes are super heavy. It is 5:03 AM. Shit. I am gonna be exhausted tomorrow. I am going to have to sleep on this. But my last thoughts are… I can't tell her. I cannot take that risk and hoping for her to say she has feelings for me to is like hoping for my dad to be a decent human being with tons of money. I am going to do what is best for Riley. Not tomorrow, cause I will be too emotional especially due to exhaustion, but the next day I am going to tell everyone I am not interested in Lucas.


	6. Chapter 6: Riley's Thoughts

Author's Note: Hi everyone! I know it has been a while. I am so sorry! I promise it is as terrible for you guys as it is for me. Life is literally kicking my ass. I had a pretty traumatic experience happen a little over a week ago and so that slowed down school which in turn slows down writing unfortunately. This chapter is entirely in Riley's perspective. It is a bit shorter but that is because she is just starting this whole process of understanding the LGBTQ+ world. As always I appreciate your comments and messages :)

Chapter 6: Riley's Thoughts

That was a lot to take in. I mean there are so many identities that I had never heard of. How had I never heard of them? Well it's probably cause I am only like 15. But Maya knew… Maya knew a lot. Like enough to teach me about them. And she had more information to share too. Why would Maya know about the LGBTQ+ community? Maybe she knows someone who is gay. Or maybe she read about it. Maybe art students are more likely to be gay. Wait is that possible? Is that like ok to even say? Shit, I still have a lot to learn.

So let's start at the first letter of the acronym. Lesbian. Girls that like girls. I never thought this was a possibility. I wonder if I know any lesbians. How are their relationships different? I guess there is probably a lot more emotion involved. They can hold hands, I mean Maya and I do all the time. Kissing would be the same. I guess… other activities… would be slightly different. I don't even know enough about… those activities… in hetero relationships. I probably shouldn't try to go there right now. Next is gay. So lesbian in reverse, meaning with boys. Same things I have already thought of. Zay and Lucas don't hold hands though. Farkle has never held hands with a guy either. I wonder why there is that difference in our group.

Next is bisexual. They like both girls and boys. I guess that it would be the same for them either way. They would be happy cuddling, holding hands with, or kissing a boy or a girl. I guess that would be the same for… oh what was it… pansexual. Yeah pansexuals would feel the same way about all romantic type acts no matter that person's' gender.

Speaking of gender...then there are people who are transgender. Their gender identity doesn't fit their sex. I think that would be really hard. To feel like your body doesn't match who you are… that would be crippling. I start to feel the tears behind my eyes. I guess it is good that more people are talking about this now and that more identities have be labelled to help people understand themselves, join a community, and to be able to explain to others.

Asexual was the one that seemed to make the most sense to me for some reason. I could understand not wanting to have sex. I am not sure if it is because I am not in a relationship that I am not comfortable or at that point in yet or if maybe sex is just not something I am interested in. I think it is interesting how they separate the sexual portion and the romantic portion. I think that opens up a lot of opportunities to understand yourself. Like someone could be biromantic and heterosexual. Or they could be aromatic. Or they could be demisexual and heteroromantic. There are just so many combinations. Out of all the labels Maya described that one seemed to stick out to me. I wouldn't mind doing more research on that. I just didn't know that all of these identities were options. It is very eye-opening.

I did a quick search of LGBTQ+ news. I was just curious what the current issues. I immediately started crying. The first articles all explain that it is really hard to be part of the LGBTQ community. That they don't get the same rights that straight people do. That they only recently got the right to even marry each other. As I continued my search, I found out about the Orlando Pulse shooting. I am literally sobbing at this point, like the fact that I didn't wake my parents is amazing. How could someone do that? Most of them were so young and full of life and it was stolen from them just because of who they love. Then I see an article about how people are fighting against allowing transgender individuals to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity. It is literally the fucking bathroom! They just need to pee and wash their hands and leave. Why is this even an issue? I quickly grasped the fact that there is a lot of discrimination when it comes to the LGBTQ+ community. I am not ok and I am not ok with this. I cried and cried all night.

I have a lot of people I care about around me. I have Farkle, Smackle, Zay, and then there is Lucas and Maya. I obviously love Farkle, Smackle and Zay, but Lucas and Maya have always been set apart from them. They are more involved in my life and more often on my mind. I don't think of either of them sexually, but I don't really think I look at anyone sexually. Lucas makes my heart do a little jig and my stomach do flips. I know that I am interested in him. There is something about him that I feel connected to and feel like I need to explore. Maya is my best friend. I want her in my life forever. I trust that she isn't going anywhere. I like being close to her; I find her presence alone very soothing, which with my mind always racing is really important to me. Maya feels like the eye of the storm. I can be totally be me and talk to her about anything. I can hold her hand or cuddle with her. She is safe. She is my rock.

My relationships with Lucas and Maya are different. Lucas is new and exciting. Maya is calm and safe. But with both, I really enjoy talking to them. I enjoy being around them. I enjoy being close to them physically. It is different though. I don't know. I think I am probably over thinking this. This whole time I have known I have been interested in Lucas. Just because I learn that being interested in more than one gender is a possibility doesn't mean it applies to me. I am interested in Lucas. I am just getting caught up in my head. Maya is just my best friend and that is it.


	7. Chapter 7: The Day After

Author's Note: As I said I am back in school so chapters will come as I have time or as I decide to procrastinate (it is the latter in this case). I will remind you all this is a slow burn. I am rolling with where the story takes me and am enjoying the journey along with you guys. As always I appreciate your comments, thoughts, feelings, etc. Reviews and messages give me life. :)

Chapter 7: The Day After

Maya

I don't feel like I slept at all. I feel like my whole body is just so heavy, trying to slump to the floor. I have been up late before. I have had sleepless nights before. But this… this feeling of heaviness isn't from being tired. It is because of heartbreak and emotional exhaustion. I get ready in a daze and then go to the Matthews to pick up Riley like I always do. I can't change anything. I have to act like everything's normal. But everything is not normal.

I climb through her window. She is sitting at her computer. She turns when she sees me and smiles. I can only bring up the corners of my mouth slightly. "What ya lookin' at?" Hoping to distract her from my obvious exhaustion and terrible mood. "I am just researching some things. I want to be as educated as possible. There is a pride parade coming up that I would really like to go to! I want to support the LGBTQ+ community in anyway that I can." I look at her, a bit dumbfounded. She obviously noticed my reaction. "What?"

"You want to got to pride?"

"Yeah of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"...I guess I really shouldn't be surprised. You always want to help people."

"Exactly. When I was looking things up I found out how much discrimination and prejudice there is surrounding the community. It made me extremely sad."

"Sounds about right." I go to move to her bedroom door so as to move us along. I want breakfast and all. She follows.

Riley

That was odd. She just sort of walked out. I followed her out and watched her as she went in search of something to eat. Maybe she is just hungry then. "How was the rest of your night?"

"Oh peachy keen." She is being sarcastic. I guess that is not abnormal, but I don't know.

"Are you okay?"

"Yup. Why wouldn't I be?"

"There are a lot of possibilities of why you might not be okay."

"Well I'm fine. Promise. Stop worrying." Yea that is going to happen.

Maya

Riley is already starting my change in mood. I am definitely exhausted so that isn't helping. I just don't have the energy to put up some facade. Hopefully, this will be easier tomorrow.

-Arrive at school-

Maya

As soon as we walk in we see our group. They are all there. Yup even Lucas. I show absolutely zero indication that I even know he is there. Riley goes right for him of course. I go to Farkle, Smackle, and Zay, which I mean it's not hard to focus on the three as once Rucas, ew don't like that, start talking they are in their own world anyway. Zay immediately says "Maya you are not lookin' so good. What's up?" After this Farkle and Smackle immediately go into nerd mode. Smackle begins "She has terrible bags under her eyes." Farkle next "Her overall posture is quite down and she seems sluggish." They then look at each other and at the same time and say "I hypothesize that Maya didn't sleep well." They both turn to me expecting a confirmation. "Ding ding ding. You are correct. What? Do you want a gold star?"

"Wow little lady. No need to be so harsh. Come sit down. You can put your head on my shoulder." Zay says as he calls me out and comforts me at the same time. I know I need to tone it down.

I sit with Zay. As I do, I turn to look at Riley. She has that happy glowy look she gets around Lucas. He has that stupid, annoying, pathetic smile on his face that he always gets around her. I decide it is best for me to close my eyes till the bell rings and to try not to speak as much as possible for the rest of the day.

Riley

"Lucas that is so sweet." He always comments on how nice I look every morning. I would be lying if I didn't say it was a confidence boost and that it didn't give me butterflies. "I am pretty sure the pleasure is all mine." That is an obvious innuendo yet hidden under his southern charm. I am totally enraptured by just him being him. I can't help but notice his sparkling eyes and beautiful smile.

Then I realize we got wrapped up in our own world again. I look around because I should say hi to the others. They are all gathered around Maya who has her head on Zay's shoulder. Now I know something is going on. "What's going on guys? Maya?"

Farkle responds "Maya is just tired and it has put her in a bit of a mood. Like an old Maya mood." Maya opens her eyes at this comment and glares at him. "Sorry" he squeaks out as he raises his hands in mock surrender. Zay just reaches out and grabs her hand. Maya seems slightly surprised by this as she looks down to their hands and then up to him. She doesn't remove her hand from his.

I feel fire burn in my stomach. I have never seen anyone hold Maya's hand except me. Is that even allowed? I go and sit down next to her because it is my job to comfort her. It is my job to hold her hand and have her cuddle up against me. Zay doesn't get to do that. I grab her other hand and pull her up and away from the group.

Maya

Zay grabbed my hand. That is new. I am too tired to totally process this so I look from his hand to him. Honestly, I am just glad that I feel comforted by my friends. I sometimes forget that there is more than just Riley. I should probably use my support group a bit better. Riley immediately grabs my other hand and takes me away from the group. I slowly lob my body behind her.

"What was that?!" She asks. Why does she sound so passionate.

"What are you talking about?" I say. My body all droopy.

"With Zay. You had your head on his shoulder and he held your hand. What was that?"

"Riles, I don't know. He is the one that initiated both of those things. I just went with it, which I am pretty sure I am allowed to do. You know being single and having free will and shit." I am so lost. Like what is going on. "Riley, honestly, I don't know what your deal is. I was tired. He was comforting me despite me just biting Farkle and Smackle's heads off. You don't really have a say here. I mean especially since you weren't really involved with us cause you were too busy with your Prince Charming." I see Riley wince a bit at that comment. The bell rings.

"Whatever. We need to get to class."

I toddle along behind her to class and slump into my desk. I put my head down immediately. I am so tired I literally pass out. When I say I pass out I mean I literally passed out. Like fell out of the chair and blacked out.

-Maya wakes up in the nurse's office-

What the heck? Why am I in the nurse's office? How did I get here? I sit up and immediately my head hurts on the one side. I reach up and can feel there is a bump starting there. I guess the nurse heard me because she walks in. "Hey sweetie. How are you feeling?"

"Umm… tired. Like really tired. My head hurts too. Did I hit my head on something?"

"You did hit your head. You fainted right as class began. Your friend… Lucas I think… He picked you up and carried you right here." Lucas carried me… to the nurse's office. Well figures cause that is gentlemanly. "I have called your mom. She is on her way now and I recommended she take you to the doctor just to make sure your head is ok. Sometimes hitting your head like that can cause some damage. You are most likely fine however considering you only fell out of a chair instead of from standing up." I just nodded.

My mom arrived soon after. She looked all flustered and upset. She was acting like I was dying. I am not dying. I am literally just exhausted. She took me to the doctor. I did have a moderate concussion and they were concerned about the fainting until I explained that I barely slept. They suggested to go home and get some rest and that if this happens again that they would want me to come back.

My mom took me home. Now slightly calmer. As soon as we walked in I went straight to my room. I literally flopped onto my bed and as soon as my head hit the pillow I was already asleep.

Riley

Oh my god! Maya fainted. Our last conversation was a fight. She fainted right after that. What if something is wrong with her? What if she has a brain tumor or something? I do not think I could handle that. I can't even handle this.

So school is obviously not a thing today. I spend the entire day staring at my phone. I wait… and wait… and wait for a text from Maya. Nothing. Not a single text. Not an I'm ok or I'm not dying. Just silence. I send a text to Maya's mom as I can't take it anymore.

Riley: _Hi Mrs. Hart. Is Maya ok?_

Katy: _Hi sweetie. She has a mild concussion. The doctors say she is fine just overly exhausted. She has been sleeping for the last several hours. Apparently she didn't sleep last night. I'm surprised she didn't text you before going to sleep._

I try to ignore that even her own mother notices that this is not normal.

Riley: _I am glad she is relatively ok. Thank you for the update._

Katy: _No problem darling._

Ok so Maya isn't dying. The bell for the end of the school day rings. I am up out of my chair pretty quick. However, my friends seemed to picked up on this newly forming habit of mine and are right in step behind me.

Farkle asks "Riley, have you heard anything about Maya?"

"Yes. She has a concussion. She apparently fainted from sleep deprivation. She is resting now."

"Ok I am glad she is ok."

Zay then speaks "I knew she didn't look good this morning. I should have taken her to the nurse before she fainted."

"Zay this is not your fault." Zay knew something was wrong and I didn't. What is happening?

"I am going to head over there to check on her. I will update you all after."

Lucas begins walking with me. "Riley I will walk you to Maya's house."

"That really isn't necessary."

"You're right it's not, but I want to make sure you get there safely as well as check on Maya myself."

I just nod as I don't think he is taking no for an answer. We walk in silence to Maya's house.

Maya

I wake up to the sound of my door opening. My eyes sort of flutter open, but only at half mast. I flip over and mumble "Mom, I am fine. I just need to sleep more."

"Well we are glad you are ok." Lucas?! What is Lucas doing in my room. The next thing I feel is someone enveloping themselves around me. It is obviously RIley from her slight frame and pleasant flowery smell. I get wrapped up in the comfort of having Riley hugging me that I almost forget that Lucas is there. Wait… they came here together. That's… That's just lovely.

My eyes are now fully open partially from the shock of Lucas's voice and partially because of my body's overwhelming reaction to Riley. I sit up. "Hi."

They both just look at me kind of with the expression like "really that's all you got." "What?"

Riley starts "Maya you fainted. I was terrified. I was scared that something was really wrong with you. I couldn't comprehend how I would live with the worry 24/7 or… losing you."

Lucas then steps in as he can see this is going to get emotional. "I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I see you are. If you need anything, please let me know."

"Thanks, Lucas. And thank you for carrying me to the nurse's office. That was quite chivalrous, right in character with you southern country charm."

"I would carry you any time Maya."

"I might just take you up on that." He chuckles and leaves.

Now it is just me and Riley. She immediately climbs into bed with me and wraps herself around me again. "Riles, I am fine. Stop freaking out. I just didn't sleep well, passed out, and got a concussion. No big deal."

She lifts her head slightly "No big deal. Maya that is a big deal. Concussions aren't good. You can't focus on anything too long or use a lot of brainpower for like several weeks."

"So… does that mean I get out of school?"

"Maya! Really? That is your take away, not the fact that this is a big deal."

"Yes it is. Because I am fine. Just need rest."

"Fine. Go to sleep."

I go to maneuver out of her arms so I can go to sleep again. She pulls me in tighter. Guess I have no choice here. I close my eyes. I hear her sniffle behind me. "Are you crying?"

"Yes. Peaches, I was really scared." Now I turn around.

"Honey. I am fine. Look at me. Just a small bump on my head and bags under my eyes. Sleep and brain rest is all I need for a while and then I will be good as new." She just nods and nuzzles in closer to me. I allow myself to take in this moment. The moment before things are definitely going to change. Before I tell everyone I am not interested in Lucas and I put up a decent wall to protect myself against the feelings I have for the brunette in my arms. I feel her warmth. Smell her coconut shampoo and shea butter lotion. I notice how our bodies match up so nicely and how comforted I feel in this moment. This comfort soon takes over and I am back to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8: Triangle No More

Author's Note: So yes I know it has been a really, really long time. School is kicking my ass. I also sort of have waves of inspiration. Surprisingly it is pretty low right now, cause feelings and relationships suck, but this chapter came out okay. As I said I will post when I can. Please review, follow, favorite, etc. :)

Chapter 8: Triangle No More.

Maya

My eyes flutter open. The first thing I notice is that Riley is still holding on to me. I want to enjoy this. I really do, but I know this is only going to make things harder for me in the long run. I start to try to wiggle out of her grasp. However, the more I move the tighter she holds on. "Riley you squeeze me any tighter and I will pop. I literally just need to go to the bathroom." Riley's eyes flutter open and look up at me. I feel my stomach do the flip flop thing that it always does. I mentally yell "NOOOOO Bad Maya!"

Luckily, she lets go. I quickly hop out of bed and go into the bathroom. As I am washing my hands I look up into the mirror. Damn… I look like shit. The bags under my eyes seem to somehow gotten worse instead of better and my hair is all ruffled. I try my best to tame my hair just a little bit, the bags unfortunately cannot be helped.

Riley

She has only been gone a few minutes and I am already worried about her. I am also worried about where we stand because we didn't get a chance to address our fight from this morning because of all the chaos and worry. I just didn't like that it looked like anyone could be a stand in for me. Maya is never touchy with anyone, except me. I have never seen her hold someone else's hand or cuddle up to someone else, come to think of it I don't think I have really even seen her hug anyone either. The closest she has gotten is holding Lucas by the collar of his shirt I think. But there she was… with her head on Zay's shoulder and holding his hand. I just got so enraged cause that's my job, not his.

Maya comes back in and I try my best to smile. She of course notices something is up right away. She always notices. I didn't even recognize how exhausted she was this morning. "Riles… what's up? Something is going on in your head."

"It's just… I am a terrible friend. I wasn't paying enough attention this morning and missed how exhausted you were and that your health was literally in danger. I am supposed to recognize that stuff and keep you safe. But I was too wrapped up in my own stuff to notice. Then the last conversation we had before you passed out was a fight over Zay. I feel like he is a better friend to you than-"

"Wow, wow, wow! Don't even finish that sentence. Riley, you are my best friend. You are the best friend anyone could ask for. Please stop beating yourself up over not noticing and then the fact that you got upset over Zay. Still don't understand what happened there completely. But realistically it doesn't matter because whatever it is or was we would have gotten over it and gone on business as usual."

"Okay."

"Okay? That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. You were just in full freak out, rambling mode. I think this is the easiest "calm Riley down" session ever."

"Well I don't want you to overexert your brain." She just smiles and chuckles as she walks over to the bed.

"Riley. As much as I love having you here. I really need to get some good sleep. I won't see you tomorrow because I am staying home from school to get rest, but I will see you on Thursday, OK?"

"Yes that's fine. Are we still having our weekend sleepover?"

Maya

Shit… I forgot about that. I could use my concussion but that wouldn't really work with RIley. I don't think there is a smooth way out of this. "Umm yea sure."

"Yayyy!" Riley brightens substantially at this. Which again I feel the smile form on my face and the stupid butterflies in my stomach. I am going to need to find a way to rein that in. "Sleep well, Maya." Riley leaves and I immediately miss her presence. I try to ignore this and go back to sleep.

-Thursday Morning-

Maya

Well I go back to school today. I am telling everyone this morning that I am not interested in Lucas. Honestly, that just has to be done. I don't have the energy to keep that up anymore. Plus I want them both to be happy and stuff so… I climb in through the bay window. "Hi Riles!" I have a lot more pep in my step now that I am well rested and feel more assured in my plans.

Riley

"Peaches!" I can't help how excited I get to see Maya. I get so excited that my heart skips a beat and my mind blanks for just a moment. I just appreciate her so damn much. "How are you feeling?"

"A tonnnnn better! I really just needed some sleep. I feel good as new."

"I am so glad! I'm still worried about you but as of tomorrow you won't be out of my sight for about three days so I won't have to worry." I cannot wait for our sleepover. I love sleepovers in general with Maya, but this time it feels more important. With the triangle and the passing out, things have just been off with Maya and I. I think some girl time with patch that right up.

I grab her hand and we walk to the kitchen. I sit her down and get cereal for us both. "What? Am I getting the princess service today?"

"Yes. You still have a concussion. Plus I just like doing things for you."

"Ok Riles."

Maya

Riley is being so silly. I am fine. Everything is fine. I still need to figure out how I am going to put boundaries between the two of us, but if there ever was a test this weekend long sleepover would be it.

We both eat and then head to school, where I again weave us through all the people in the metro and then at school to get to our group. I keep a hold of Riley's hand. Grab Lucas's hand. Look at our friends and say "We'll be right back." I smile, yet everyone else still seems worried. I sit both Lucas and Riley together and sit on the other side of Lucas as I think having him as a barrier might actually be effective. I look over at them both and they are already staring at me. "Oh hi."

In unison they both say "Hello?"

I figure I better continue. "So I figured some things out over the last couple of days and I thought that it was important for me to relay them to you both." They both look at each other quickly before returning their gaze to me. "I am just going to be really blunt because I mean I am Maya so I really don't know another way." I pause momentarily. Lucas looks stoic as always, but he is curious. Riley looks like really worried. "I don't have feelings for Lucas." Now they both look shocked and they both just sit there and stare at me. "So yea that is all I needed to say. Any questions or anything or can we get back to our friends?" Lucas raises his hand. I roll my eyes "Yes Lucas"

"Did you hit your head harder than we thought?"

"No. This was something I was already figuring out pre-concussion. The concussion only slowed down the process of me telling you both."

Riley

I think my mind is like blank and too full at the same fricken time. Did she just say she isn't interested in Lucas? What does that mean? She suddenly just doesn't have feelings for anyone. Oh my gosh… maybe she has feelings for Zay. But she just like said it. Put it right out there. What does that mean like going forward? "Ummm so I have like a lot of questions but I think the only pertinent few are: are you sure? What does this mean going forward? Are you saying the triangle is over and that Lucas and I could date if we choose to?" Lucas looks over at me on that last question. Obviously he had not totally thought about the implications here.

"Yes I am as sure about this as I am that I love tacos. For what does this mean going forward… I mean I'm out of this." She motions to the three of us. "So I really don't have anything to figure out with the triangle going forward. To you two dating… I mean that is not really up to me now is it?" I nod my head as I let this all sink in. Maya stands up and says "I am going to leave you two here to talk. I am going to go let the rest of the group know because we all know this effects them just as much as it affects us somehow." She walks away.

Lucas turns to me. "So…?"

"So… umm what are you thinking?" I look up at him. I did just figure out like a day ago that I was definitely interested in Lucas. There really is nothing stopping us from dating now.

"Well I mean I still like you. Do you still like me?"

"Yes."

"Alright. So… do you want to try dating again? Maybe with less pressure on it this time?"

"I think less pressure would be good. Yeah, I think we can try dating again and see where it goes." I look up and we both are smiling. He has this really goofy grin which does make my heart melt a little.

"Cool! When are you available to go on a date?"

"Well, I can't this weekend as I already have a all weekend long sleepover with Maya. How about next weekend?"

"Sure. That's fine. I will plan something. It will be great!"

"Awesome! We should probably rejoin our friends now."

Maya

I walk up to our group as I let Riley and Lucas talk it out. I do feel my heartache. Like a lot. She asked if Lucas and her could date. What was I supposed to say? No, because I am like madly in love with you and just want to hold and kiss you all the time. Definitely can't say that. And she is allowed to do whatever she wants. I am not in charge of her. So I have to let it all play out. No matter how much it might hurt. But her question definitely laid the groundwork of my nice wall that needs to go up.

"What was that all about?" Zay asks immediately as I reach them.

"Oh." I turn around and point. "That?"

"Yes smartass that."

"Yeah. That was me telling them I don't have feelings for Lucas."

"WHAT?!" They all so in perfect unison with about the exact same shocked face.

"Yup. Don't have feelings for Huckleberry. Who knew?" They all look between each other in shock.

Farkle starts in with questions. "When did this happen?"

"Well I started thinking about it a lot more the beginning of this week. I realized I didn't get like all excited to see him or that like ooey gooey feeling that I am pretty sure you are supposed to get when you like someone. So then I started kind of working it out in my head and came to the conclusion of Yeah, Nope, no feelings there."

"Okay. So, what you just don't have feelings for anyone now?" Didn't expect that fucking question.

"You'll never know." I wink. Go with mystery and sass. The Maya Hart way.

"Alright. So like, what now?" Zay asks next.

"Well I am just not involved with that whole thing. So for me, things go back to normal. For them, I don't know, but I am sure we are about to get an answer."

Riley and Lucas walk up. I immediately notice that they are holding hands. I feel not only my face drop, but my heart too. Guess that answers that question. Lucas speaks in a sure tone "Riley and I are dating now." Everyone in the group just looks around at each other. They all take a moment to look at me, to see if I am going to react. I plaster on my mastered fake smile. Pretend like this isn't actually killing me inside. It seems to convince them enough. As soon as I hear they are dating and Riley and I make eye contact, I feel the wall around my heart build up real quick. At least, that wall might help a little. I think it is going to need to get thicker though.

The bell rings before anyone gets to make comments. Everyone heads toward class but I duck out to head to the bathroom. Riley notices since she is now paying such close attention to me. "Where are you going?"

"Bathroom. That's all. I will be in there in a few." I walk into the bathroom and check to see if anyone is in there. I go into one of the stalls and just lean up against the side for a moment. I don't weep or bawl my eyes out, but a tear or two does roll down my cheek. I pull it together because I need to go to class and I am supposed to be protecting myself. All I can think is: I love her, but she loves him...


	9. Chapter 9: What's up?

Author's Note: So every time I sit down to write I expect to be writing the sleepover scenes, but nope. I guess this could be considered the first though, so we are getting closer. There are things each time that I feel just deserve being expanded upon because either the writers didn't give it to us or maybe I haven't seen it before or maybe I am just feeling it. This is definitely my outlet right now as I handle so emotional downtrodden feelings. I promise we are getting to the sleepover lol I hope you enjoy and as always favorite, follow, and review :)

Chapter 9: What's up?!

Maya

I walk back to class. When I walk in everyone stops and looks at me. Matthews turns and says "Oh how lovely of you to join us."

"Anything for you." I say oozing with my usual sarcasm. I sit down. I can literally feel her eyes on me. Riley keeps looking at me. I can see her in my peripheral vision just staring at me. It is like she is looking for some sign that I am not ok. I don't know if it's because of the concussion or the feelings thing, but I am going to continue to look straight ahead like I am super interested in this lesson.

Riley

Something isn't right here. Maya just suddenly figures out she isn't interested in Lucas, tells us, and is just ok with all of this. She probably likes someone else right? I'm dating Lucas now? What is happening? My head starts to hurt from all the thoughts running through my head. There has been a lot that has happened this week. There was the Sappho lesson, learning about the LGBTQ+ community, Maya fainting, Maya saying she no longer has feelings for Lucas, and now I am dating Lucas. I feel like I am in some sort of TV show drama. I mean this is fricken ridiculous.

Maya and Riley

I am in a total daze and the rest of the day passes in what feels like a blink of an eye.

Maya

The bell rings and RIley immediately pops up and comes over to me with that bright earth-shattering, mind-blowing smile. Got to stop that… She is all excited because she gets three whole days with me. I grab my stuff and hold the straps of my backpack so she won't try to hold my hand. I know it is going to be hard to keep myself from being touchy with her, but I think it is going to be next to impossible to get her to not touch me. We manage to make it back to the Matthews without her grabbing my hand. Thank Goodness!

She immediately heads for the bay window and I know I am in for it. "Maya. Please come sit. You have some explaining to do." I kind of expected this so I don't freak out and I just walk over and sit down in my usual spot. I cross my legs to put a barrier between us.

Riley

"What's up?" What's up?! That is all she's got after this week? Really?!

"What's up. Well lets see. This week I had my mind blown by the Sappho lesson and learning about the LGBTQ+ community. I thought that would be the only mind blowing occurrence for the week, but no. Then I had you almost die on me-" I raise my hand as Maya tries to speak. "That was terrifying and I thought I was going to explode from sadness and anxiety. I thought that would be it. My week can't get weirder. Wrong again. Today I get to school and my best friend informs me that she doesn't have feelings for the guy that I thought we both had been pining over for the last several months. No inclination, just bam here it is. Then to go even further, said guy asked me on a date and I said yes. Which I think means that I might soon have a boyfriend and I have no idea how I feel about that." I then sit and look at her.

"Yup. Only thing I have to say is that sass is my thing, not yours. So you might want to bring it down a level." She smiles before continuing. "Also, I didn't almost die, I fainted and got a concussion." I literally can't believe her. How could she be so nonchalant about all this?

Maya

"I do not understand how this doesn't affect you more." All of these things are not new to me at all. The only thing that I have to deal with is my feelings for Riley. As long as that doesn't become a topic of conversation, I should be fine. When I don't say anything she starts again. "So like when did you suddenly realize you weren't interested in Lucas?"

"I have been thinking about it a lot the last week or so. It finally clicked Tuesday night I think."

"So you figured this all out the night before you passed out? The night you didn't sleep?" SHIT! Why does she have to be so damn smart? I swear if the whole weekend goes this way I will have a heart attack and then we will all really have something to worry about.

"Yes." Maybe that will satisfy her.

"Why couldn't you sleep?" Nope, didn't satisfy her at all.

"I don't know. Was thinking about our conversation and where I stood with my feelings. My thoughts just ran on longer than I expected." I can't lie to her, but I can choose not to tell her everything.

"Okay." She is taking it all in. That means there are going to be more questions. "So how did you figure out you didn't have feelings for him? WHy didn't you talk to me about all of this?"

"I thought about what I should feel when I am interested. Then I realized Lucas didn't have those qualities. Made it pretty simple really. To why I didn't talk to you about it: I was trying to figure it out. How could I vocalize something that I couldn't even process in my own head?"

"That makes sense. Like what kind of qualities though?" Well great. Now I am basically going to describe how I feel about her, but in a vague way. Awesome.

"I thought about how I want to be with someone that when I see them my stomach gets butterflies and I can't help but smile. I want to be with someone that we can joke around and be flirtatious, but then turn around and have a super serious conversation. I want to be with someone that I want to be around all the time and that when they aren't there I miss there presence. I want to be with someone who challenges me, who makes me a better person, but at the same time makes me feel comfortable and allows me to be who I am. I want to be with someone who makes me feel passionately and is literally my whole world. On top of all that, I want that person to feel the same way about me as I do about them." I feel the weight of that seep in.

Riley

Wow. Maya really knows what she wants. I just never imagined that she thought about things like this so deeply. I feel like that is something I should know. But I have never asked, which is because I honestly don't think about relationships that deeply. I don't actually know what I want, but what she just said sounds pretty nice. "Maya, that is amazing."

That is all I can say to that. I have a million thoughts running through my head. What do I want from a relationship? Does Lucas even have those traits? What if someone else has those traits? What if Maya has those traits?

Woah… Did I just… Did I just put Maya in a romantic context? That is the second time that has happened. That Sappho poem opened up a whole world to me. It has made me question my feelings a lot. This conversation is only increasing the questions I have. I guess this weekend is a good time to try to figure some things out. I have Maya all to myself for three days straight and it's before any date with Lucas even occurs.

Maya

I can tell her mind is running a mile a minute. She has that little forehead crinkle she gets when she thinks really hard. Unfortunately, I act before I think. I put my legs down scooch over and put my hand on her leg. As soon as I do it all I can think is: well fuck. "Riles, are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just have a lot of stuff going on in my head. This triangle has been a huge stressor for me. Now it is over. But I still feel stressed. As stressful as the triangle was, it was safe too. It gave me time. I thought I had time. Now I don't and I am not even sure what I want. And now with all this new information, I have a lot more to think about. After reading that poem by Sappho, I had so many things I wanted to understand. That has opened up a whole other world that I didn't know was possible. Just makes you question a lot." Holy shit. What is she saying? Where is she going with this? Am I the only one who thinks this sounds hella gay? Like would a straight person even give Sappho a second look? Riley continues "Then you just explained everything you want from a relationship. I realized that I don't know what I want. That I had never thought about it that deeply. That my thoughts on relationships have been really shallow: cute guy, cute dates, go to dances together. That is it. But now I am realizing there is a lot more to think about than that."

Woah. That is a lot. I think I am in shock. Like I cannot get words out of my mouth. She just basically told me that Sappho's poem and the LGBTQ+ community is really on her mind. Like a lot. Like it seems like she is questioning. Then to follow that up, she tells me she doesn't know what she wants and that she had not thought about all the things I had. I have to say something right?

"Riles, I put a lot of pressure on relationships. After everything with my dad, I don't see the point in just dating for the hell of it. I look at relationships as a long term thing. Not everyone does that. In fact, most people date just to date or to figure out if they are interested. I can't do that. I have to be sure. Because if I am going to put my heart out there and actually hope for something, then they better be pretty darn special." And she definitely is special.

Riley takes this all in. I know that after this week and even just this conversation, she has a lot to think about. It is going to take her time. She isn't going to come to any conclusions right this second. In fact, it would be better to let her subconscious handle that instead of her getting all anxious.

Riley

"Honey, why don't we go watch a movie? This is a lot. This week has been a lot. All of this is going to take some time and we can talk through all this in chunks, because otherwise your head is going to explode." I chuckle at this, which makes Maya smile. I take a moment to drink that in. I feel my heart skip a beat again and I can't help but to stare for as long as I can before it gets weird. I notice how her amazing blonde hair cascades down her shoulders in those loose bottle curves that just happen naturally for her. I see her blue-gray eyes that mesmerize me by just how deep they are and how much I can read from them alone. I look at her face all lit up from that smile. That smile. I have to look away now. I realize I don't think this is the straightest thing on the planet. I definitely have some things to think about. It is just that I have never thought about Maya in this context before and honestly, I don't know if I should. What if I actually think about it, figure out I have feelings for her, and she doesn't feel the same? And I have Lucas too. I know I like him already, so shouldn't I be paying attention to that? Exploring that only?

She's right. My head might explode. "You're right. This is a lot and I am definitely overwhelmed. I am really glad you are here though and that I get you all to myself for the whole weekend. Just you and me. Let's go get started. Like you said we can talk about this more later." And I can see how I feel with Maya now that I have a different mindset...


	10. Chapter 10: Overloaded

Author's Notes: Hey everyone! Just made it through the worst of my semester so hopefully I will be able to write a bit more, which makes me really happy. This chapter went a totally different direction than I thought it was going to. Letting you it is kinda sad, but I will be posting the next chapter tomorrow hopefully and I promise it makes up for it! Look forward to your review and always feel free to message me too :)

Chapter 10: Overloaded

Maya

We hop up from the bay window and walk out into the family room to pick a movie. "Riles, why don't you pick the movie and I will pop some popcorn and collect some snacks?" She immediately comes over and hugs me. Luckily it is quick but definitely spoke to her excitement. I head into the kitchen grab out the popcorn that is like really buttery. They say it is like movie theatre popcorn, but I think it is better. That is just me, Riley disagrees. As that is popping, I grab from our shared candy stash in the cabinet. I grab Riley's favorites: Milk Duds, Twizzlers, and Gummy Bears. She likes to cover all the candy food groups, including the cutesy food group. I grab a Milky Way for myself as I know I will end up eating most of the popcorn. Then I head to the cupboard for some cups to get us some drinks. I grab Riley's favorite cup. I got it for her. It has the solar system on it, but it includes Pluto still. I grab "my cup" as it has been labelled. Riley actually made it for me at one of those pottery painting places. She made an infinite sign, similar in shape to our rings but connect. Then she put our names in the circular part and on the back wrote Thunder and Lightening. I almost cried when she gave it to me. I stand there just looking at the cup.

Riley

I go over to look at movies. I could pick something more Maya's speed, which is like action, danger, and suspense, or I could pick something more my style, which is more romance. It is actually all romance. I sit and think for a moment. Which do you pick when you are trying to figure out if you have feelings for someone? The scary one which you can use to get close to them or the romantic one that sort of sets a mood. I think I will end up close to her anyway so I pick a romantic movie. Honestly, shouldn't have even thought about it, it was always going to go this way. I pick _Definitely, Maybe,_ one of my absolute favorites!

I stand up to show Maya which movie I chose, but when I turn around I notice she is just staring at the cup I made her. I took so much time to make that cup. I wanted it to be perfect! It had to represent us perfectly and I wanted to show her that this was forever. This is forever.

I put the movie down on the table and quietly come up behind her. I wrap my arms around her waist and put my head on her shoulder. She jumps. "I didn't mean to startle you Peaches. You okay?" I think about how this feels. I had never thought about the things we do so naturally. We naturally hug each other all the time, hold hands, make grand romantic gestures, and so many other things that could be construed as "couple-ish." Definitely one of the puzzle pieces of the "Do I Have Feelings for Maya?!" puzzle.

"I'm okay. Just got distracted." She tenses a bit and politely escapes from my arms. It is definitely still an escape though. I wasn't ready for her to go and she usually wait for me to let go.

Maya

I got so distracted I didn't hear Riley come up behind me. I got so wrapped up in my feelings for her in that moment. Here was something that literally embodied part of us. Us. Then I felt her wrap herself around me. Her warmth radiates through me. She has always been my hot box, while I have always been weirdly cold. I realize pretty quickly this is not a safe place to be when I am already vulnerable and am supposed to be seriously trying to put up walls to protect myself.

I move out of her arms. It feels weird. Neither of us ever refuse each other's touch. I walk to the fridge to get our drinks. Apple juice for her and ginger ale for me. I rationalize in my head that that was a valid reason to walk away.

"Let's get the movie watching started. What did you pick?"

Riley

Still dealing with the sting a bit. I respond quietly, like I had lost my voice. "I picked _Definitely, Maybe_." I then realize how ironic that is. I start to laugh because at this point my anxiety has just taken over. Maya has moved everything over to the coffee table. My laughing rises however. I am becoming hysterical. It is all the stress, the anxiety.

This is when Maya looks up concern written all over her face. She slowly walks over. "Alright sweetheart. We are going to go curl up on the couch and watch a movie. You are going to eat all of the candy and popcorn you want. If you run out of apple juice, I will get you more. If needed, I will go buy more candy too." She looks up and smiles. She grabs my hand. That moment. The moment she grabs my hand I stop laughing hysterically.

She leads me over to the couch and sits down and pulls me down next to her. I look over the arrangement of items she has picked. She picked my favorite candies. She used my favorite cup. She got me my favorite drink. I look over at her. I just look at her. She knows me. She knows everything about me. She knows what to do when my anxiety gets really bad and honestly just calms me down by being there. How did I not see all of this before? What does this all really mean?

Maya

I am really worried. Riley was literally just freaking out. Like hysterical laughter level. That is the highest level I think I have witnessed. But now… now she is just sitting here looking at me. Looking into my eyes. I can feel my heart racing. What is she doing? Like we are affectionate and stuff, but we don't do this. This is just straight up romantic. My eyes flick down to her lips and that is when I know I need to move. I get up before my heart explodes or I do something stupid. I try to cover it up by putting on the movie. I do all of this methodically and more importantly slowly.

I bring my heart rate back down to a regular level. I grab the remote and walk over to the couch and take my place next to Riley. She immediately curls up against me. I am at the edge of the couch so I am sort of in a corner. Half her body overlaps mine and she lays her head on my shoulder. We have been touchy before, so this isn't weird right? Like, despite the fact that we have never stayed this way for like a really prolonged amount of time, this will be fine, right? Who am I kidding I'm fucked.

Riley

I know this movie backwards and forwards and do love every minute of it. But you know what I love more? Being this close to Maya. Snuggling into her feels right. It is definitely a step up from where we usually are but it is not a gigantic leap. I think this is a good way to test the waters on my feelings. I barely pay attention to the movie. I pay attention to how Maya's chest rises and falls. I pay attention to her heart beat. I notice how the longer we stay touching that we even each other's body temperatures and our breathing and heartbeats begin to match. We become one.

I did take note that when I first did this, Maya's heart rate skyrocketed. Her breathing was slightly erratic, but she was trying to hide it. However, in this position I caught it all. I thought this was really interesting. She calmed down quickly though. She ate the popcorn and drank her ginger ale. She is the only one who drinks it. We keep it in the fridge just for her. There are a lot of little things like that that we do. As I begin to process all this suddenly a light bulb sort of goes off in my head. I think Maya and I are in a sort of gray area. Because we are so close, we could be labelled as best friends or as girlfriends. It really just depends on our inclinations. I'm starting to think there is some level of interest on my end, but I am not going to rush it. I am going to let it roll naturally, especially considering I am not even sure. Then there is Lucas...

Maya

Not gonna lie… sitting like this, acting like this, just being like this... It feels really fucking amazing! Having Riley lying up against me. Feeling her. Just her. It feels so natural and comfortable. It is innocent, but It takes everything in me not to stroke her arm or run a hand through her hair or kiss her on the top of her head. It is just… we are so close. Here I am supposed to be protecting myself and all she does is break down those walls every time. I don't think it is possible for me to protect myself here. I think I need to accept the position I am in. I am in love with my best friend. I said it. To myself. In my head. Yup, I am losing it. But point is, I love her, but she has a date in a week with the boy she has had feelings for for 3 years. It is going to be painful. I know it is, especially if she keeps doing things like this.

I come out of my haze a bit and I look down at her. I see her move a hand up to her face and I feel a breath catch in her throat. "Riles, are you crying?"

"No." Obviously crying, I can hear it in her voice. "Riley sit up for a minute." I turn off the movie and change the channel to one of those music channels. I pick something soft, calming. I shift the way I am sitting. I put one leg up on the couch and motion for her to come closer. She looks at me a bit confused but scooches over despite this. As soon as she gets there, I pull her back flush against my body. I then grab the candy and stick it in her lap. I hand her her apple juice. Then I wrap my arms around her. We sit there and I just hold her.

Riley

Woah. So emotions sort of spilled out. I started crying. I was questioning my interest in Maya and then thinking about the fact that I have a date with Lucas. Then I started thinking about how my feelings for Maya could hurt Lucas. I never want to hurt anyone. It went from that to me thinking about so if I did have feelings for Maya, how would that change things? What if she wasn't interested back? Then I would have my best friend sitting here, but I would be in pain because to me she is more than that. This lead to what if we weren't able to be friends anymore and I just lost it.

I tried to hide my crying, but it's Maya and she is so perceptive when it comes to me. She noticed within like 30 seconds. But she did something I didn't expect. She wrapped herself around me, bringing us even closer together than we were before. It is at this moment I realize I definitely have feelings for Maya. Then I start really crying, like weeping. Like the fact that my parents didn't come check on us was amazing. But she just sat there and held me. The same thoughts just go around and around in my head. Lucas? Maya? What do I really want from a relationship? Who do I really want?

I think Maya soon realizes that my crying isn't going to stop anytime soon. So she subtly indicates for me to stand up, which I do. She grabs my hand and leads me to my room. She sits me on the bed. I watch as she walks over to my dresser and picks out a set of pajamas for me and grabs one of the t-shirt and pajama pants she keeps here. She hands me my pajamas. I am still sniffling. "I am going to go change in the bathroom I will be right back." She says very gently and looks at me for the okay. I nod. I slowly remove my clothes from the day and change into my pajamas. She picked my favorite of course. They are soft and comfortable. She knocks quietly. I come open the door.

She immediately grabs my hand, closes the door, and pulls me into a hug. I hold onto her so tight as the sobs rack my body. I put my head into the crook of her neck and listen to the quiet heartbeat I can hear. I hold onto her like I am losing her and am never going to see her again. I hold onto her like a child holds onto their favorite bear or blanket when they are really upset. Maya is my bear right now. I chuckle a little as I think hopefully Auggie won't eat her face off.

She takes this as a cue the I am calm enough to move. She releases me from the hug and leads me over to my bed. She climbs in and lifts the covers for me to join her. I lay down and she comes and puts her arms around me. She is here. She isn't going anywhere right now. This thought and her presence is what gets me to fall asleep. I fall asleep in her arms.


	11. Chapter 11: Maybe

Author's Notes: So this is not what I originally planned at all, but it felt so organic that I went with it. Everyone get ready it is going to be a bumpy ride. As always I enjoy your feedback and reviews :)

Chapter 11: Maybe...

Maya

I lay there wrapped around Riley. Rationally, I know this is dangerous. I know that I could get really hurt. But, emotionally, I am just really worried about Riley. She just started crying. I knew she was overloaded, but I didn't realize it was this bad. I didn't say a word; I just held her. Talking about it when she is this emotional isn't going to help, but she obviously needs to talk about somethings. For her, my feelings need to go on the back burner.

She slowly calmed down. She is latched onto my arm, like I honestly might not get it back. I heard her sniffle a couple time, but her breathe evens out and she is asleep. Not sure how much sleep I am going to get. I try to relax. This is my best friend. We have had sleepovers many times and technically these feelings are not new. I can do this.

-Around 5 am-

I wake up as I feel Riley shift and she is now facing me. We are literally nose to nose. I am barely awake at first but my heart rate immediately sky rockets. This is the second time. What the hell is going on?!

Riley

I wake up in the middle of the night as Maya's arm starts to move out of my grip. I start thinking about her as soon as my eyes open, which is nothing new. She didn't even ask questions earlier. She just did what I needed. I shift to look at her because I just want to appreciate the fact that she is there. Appreciate her. I lay there staring at her. Her eyes go wide like she didn't expect it, which I guess makes sense since this is not usually how we act. Do I want her to know that I am questioning if I am interested in her? All I know is right now… this is what feels right. I move in closer to her and entangle myself with her. I wrap my arms around her and hold on tight. Our legs intertwine. This is probably not my best idea, but I have to follow my heart.

Maya

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This is about how coherent my thoughts are when she tangles her body with mine. I might have a heart attack, like I am honestly concerned. "Maya?" Shit, she is talking to me. Words need to come out of my mouth.

"Uhhh.. yeah?"

"When you first read Sappho's poem, what did you think about?" Oh God. I thought of her. She is the person I admire. Everything about her enraptures me completely. But like, I can't say that.

"Um, I don't know. That was awhile ago. I'd have to think back about it. Why do you ask?"

"Well…" She shifts back to look me in the eyes. "I thought of you." I literally cannot respond. We just lay there encircling each other and looking into each other's eyes. She continue. "I questioned if the woman she was describing was her Maya. I react to you the way that Sappho seems to react to this girl. That is why I had so many questions afterwards." Again I can literally not respond.

Riley

Well that is out there. Not sure how Maya is interpreting this as she is literally saying nothing. However, I feel her heartbeat again. It is really fast, like scary fast. I take my one hand and move it to the middle of her chest. "Maya, you need to breath and calm down." She just looks at me. I go to move as maybe all of this is too much for her. She pulls me back. I look at her and notice that her eyes flick down to my lips. Has that happened before? Does that mean what I think it does? I don't think I have ever thought about anyone in that way. However, if I was going to be comfortable being physical with anyone it would obviously be Maya. I mean I couldn't even hold Lucas's hand. Maya is different. I mean we are literally basically knotted together right now.

Without totally thinking about it, I come in closer to her. My hand rises from her chest to her cheek. I stop right before our lips would touch. She has to want this too.

Maya

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Alright she is right here like millimeters from kissing me. At this point, my desires take over. I close the space between us and holy shit does it feel good! I immediately feel myself moan against her. I have literally been waiting for this for so long. We both start off very tentative. We don't move much just light touches of our lips. However, these kisses begin to deepen. She lip locks with me and sucks slightly on my bottom lip, again eliciting a moan from me. I feel her smile into the kiss at this and her hand moves into my hair to pull me closer and hold me against her. My hand slowly moves up her side to her shoulder. She pulls back slightly and sighs at the sensation. She comes right back in though. I never thought she would be the one to start kissing me… where did this come from?

Riley

We are kissing! I definitely have feelings for Maya, like strong ones. She is the only person I can think of that I would want this with. I cannot get enough of her. I keep pulling her closer, trying to drink more and more of her in. Our lips moving in tandem like it was just meant to be. Like this is totally natural and honestly, with her it is. I know we both need to breath, so I reluctantly pull back. We stare at each other.

"Holy shit Riles!" I look down because I don't totally know what that means. What all of this means. I look back up at her and whisper "So…that happened."

"That happened!" I have to put my finger on her lips to remind her people are sleeping. This shuts her up real quick.

"I might not be as straight as I originally thought if that was apparent by me attacking your face." She stares at me in complete shock. She lets go and sits up. She runs her hand through her hair to flip it out of face, which is so hot. I sit up to. "What are you thinking right now?"

"I'm not sure I am thinking. I am pretty sure my brain is still in shock."

I pause. "Are we going to be okay?" The fear starts to seep back in. She looks over at me and I can see the emotions in her eyes. She is scared, that is definitely there. But the love and appreciation she has for me is there too. She grabs my hand and sits there to collect her thoughts. Finally she speaks. "Riley… did you kiss me because you are questioning your sexuality or because you are actually interested in me?"

Maya

That question had to be answered. Cause as much as I REALLY enjoyed that… I am also terrified that I am going to get my heart broken. She squeezes my hand a bit to get me to look at her.

"Maya, I will be honest. I do not have all the answers. I am just figuring all of this out. But I do know that this," she motions between us, "feels right. I haven't wanted to kiss anyone before. In fact, I don't think I have even really truly thought about it before. Not until tonight." Well that sort of answers my question.

"What about Lucas?" I see her eyes move down and her hand gets clammy. This is upsetting to her. I bring her hand up to my lips and kiss it. At this, she looks at me. I can see the same feelings I am experiencing in her eyes.

"I think there is some level of interest there. I thought that what I was feeling with him was what was normal. But then, this week happened. I don't know. But then tonight I realized maybe that isn't what I want at all." She swallows hard. "Maybe I want you."

I can't contain myself. I move in quickly to kiss her. I go to put all my feelings into this kiss, but realize that is going to be hard from this position. Although this scares the shit out of me, I am totally caught up in the euphoria and adrenaline. I move to straddle her and deeply kiss her with my hands on both sides of her face. Her hands naturally move to my hips. We stay kissing like this for a few minutes. I pull back and look her directly in the eyes. "Riles, I know I want you."


	12. Chapter 12: What Now?

Author's Note: Alright I know it has been forever since I have updated. School, work, and life got in the way. It is summer and yes I am still working but I am hoping I will have more time now. I am not sure how long I am going to go with this, but it definitely is not over yet. I will keep writing until it feels finished. As always, I greatly appreciate your likes, follows, and especially your reviews! :)

Chapter 12: What Now?

Maya

Both emotionally exhausted we fell asleep soon after me telling her I wanted her. I honestly cannot believe I did that. I also cannot believe she kissed me either however. Like innocent, sweet Riley pursued me. Just thinking about it makes me all tingly. Overall, last night was unexpected to say the least.

The night started off with her crying, then went back to her crying, then ended with her kissing me. I would say things definitely escalated quickly. Actually, too quickly… what if she only did that and thought she was interested because of everything that happened over this last week? What if she is just scared of dating Lucas and this just is more comfortable for her? Did I take advantage of her emotional state? Oh my god… I probably should not have let last night happen. Why didn't I listen to my original plan? I can be so damn stupid sometimes.

Riley had flipped over sometime during the night and was still asleep. I carefully slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and then splashed some water on my face in the hopes of getting myself to snap out of this downward spiral. Then I just stood there for a second. I look so sad. After last night, I should feel excited and overly happy. But this feels off, I am extremely concerned about this situation and Riley. I am freaking out and I can't totally put my finger on why, but I don't think I want to think about it.

I walk back into the room and she is still asleep. I climb out the bay window and sit out on the fire escape. I look out at the people walking the streets below me. To distract myself, I start coming up with stories for each of them. I see a man in a black suit so cliche. He probably is off to some big meeting because he is some successful CEO of a company that makes some amazing, groundbreaking technology that helps millions of people. A women in a nice sundress walks by next. I tell myself that she is going to see her significant other that she is super happy with. They are going for a date in the park, which is also cliche. They will have a little picnic and just be happy being in each other's company. Finally, a little kid runs past at full speed. He doesn't have a care in the world as he just wants to play with his friends who run up behind him. When I think of the three together, it kind of forms a narrative of its own. I made the man successful, the woman in love, and the kid happy. I don't have those things. I am not successful, I have been stuck in this triangle and go around with Riley for years, and I am not happy.

That is not what I want for Riley. I want her to be successful, in love, and happy. I also want her to be with someone that is all of those things too. I am not the right one for her. Not now. Tears slowly start rolling down my face.

Riley

I woke up and rolled over expecting Maya to be there. My eyes fly open realizing she isn't there. Then I remember what happened last night. All the crying and then we kissed. Like a lot. My hand comes up to my lips remembering it. Maya declared that she wanted me. Which I am not going to lie felt amazing, but everything is so confusing right now. The one thing I am not confused about is that I want her too in some way and I never want to lose her.

I notice the window is open. I move over to the bay window and look outside. Maya is sitting looking out over the sidewalk next to the building. I can't help but stare at her. She is so beautiful and she doesn't even know it. Her hair still a little tousled from sleeping on it and our early morning make out session. Her beautifully fit frame leans up against the black wrought iron bars. I don't disturb her as seeing her just being her uninhibited is not only rare, but it is also beautiful.

Then I see her hand come up to catch a tear. She is crying?! I climb out quietly and sit next to her. I glance over at her, but she won't make eye contact with me. I feel my heartbeat rise and the tears well up behind my eyes. "Maya?" I choke out. She still doesn't look over at me.

"I... I am sorry." Her voice breaks and the tears stream out a bit faster. I reach out for her, but she moves away. I feel the same pang from the night before when she moved out of my hug. My heart feels like it is physically being crushed. "Maya?" It comes out like a whisper. It is all I can get out. The tears begin to fall now. I can see her body tense up. She doesn't like this situation, she is uncomfortable. Maybe she isn't interested? Maybe she just got caught up in the moment last night? Maybe she doesn't want me…

"Riley… You should go out with Lucas." Her tears have stopped. I feel like I can literally see her laying the brick and mortar as she builds up her walls.

"What?!" She doesn't respond. I start to get sort of annoyed now. She doesn't get to tell me who to go out with. This is all so new to me. I may be confused, but this is giving me whiplash. "Maya look at me!" I yell and this gets her attention. She turns to look at me, tears and anger mixed together obvious on my face.

Maya

Uh oh. Riley never raises her voice. "Bay window right fucking now." And she is cursing. I am screwed big time. She moves first and waits for me on the bay window seat. I know I don't have a choice so I follow.

"What the hell Maya?" Her eyes bore into me.

"You should go out with Lucas. You have had some level of feelings for him for years. You already have a date planned with him. This last week was stressful for you. And last night… I was there for you. It is okay. We are okay. Honestly, you should be mad at me. I should not have let it get that far. I got caught up in the moment and didn't stop to think of the fact that I could be taking advantage of you." She literally stares at me straight faced as I speak. This is not Riley. She is the emotional one, not stoic. That's my job.

"Maya, you are so damn ridiculous sometimes." She just looks at me. "I didn't just get caught up in the moment, I have literally been thinking about this for the whole week. It is why I ended up crying last night. I was worried my possible feeling for you or Lucas or both were going to result in losing one or both of you. I can't handle losing you." The tears started welling up again but she took a breathe to recollect herself. "I was not lying when I told you that I might be interested. I am not impulsive or rash. You know that. You should know that. I would not have kissed you if I wasn't at least decently sure. Now I may not be totally sure what this means, but I am interested in you in more than just a friend way." Then she just looks deeply into my eyes. "Also your reaction this morning is telling as well. You were crying and you are putting up walls. And based off last night and what you said, I know you are interested too." I can't deny that. I am not going to lie, plus I did tell her.

"Riles… I am not right for you." She looks at me with disbelief.

"What the actual fuck is that supposed to mean? How could you think that?"

"I am not successful and probably won't be. You have feelings for Lucas too possibly. I have stood in the middle of that for years. You might love him. Plus, I do the right thing in hopes that you could be happy and then this happens. I'm not a happy person and I'm bringing you down with me. You deserve a happy person. You deserve everything. I am not that person. I can't be that person."

Her entire face falls at this. "Maya, why can't you see that you make me happy? There is a reason you and I have been so close for so long. I may not have associated that with romantic feelings until recently, because I never thought of it as an option. But it is an option, why are you pushing me away?" Because I am terrified.

"Because you figured this out literally last night and I have known for 5 years." I stop realizing what I just admitted. Her eyes widen.

Riley

5 years?! She has had romantic feelings for me for 5 years! She has stuck around and not exploded for that long. That had to have been torture. But why push me away if she has been interested that long, no matter when I figured it out. I sit for a second before responding to collect my thoughts.

"Riley?" I hold a finger up so I can think. She can't sit still because she is nervous. Oh my god. How could I be so stupid? It's Maya. She is scared. She is scared just like me that she is going to lose me. She doesn't want to get her heart broken and she has also lost too much already. She also just said she thinks I deserve better than her. She feels unworthy. This makes my heart ache. I want her to feel valued. I want her to realize how amazing she is. I want her to understand how she makes me feel. Lucas literally doesn't matter. He doesn't come close to her. How did I not realize this earlier?

"How could I be so stupid?" This seems to surprise her. We both look into each other's eyes. "Here we have been friends so long and I am supposed to know you the best and I missed the fact that you have feelings for me. Not only that, I didn't realize you pushing me away is because you are scared and don't feel like you are good enough for me." She maintains eye contact and tries to remain stoic, but I know her and see through it. "Peaches… you mean literally everything to me. You always have. No matter where I am, you are on my mind. No matter who I am with, you are on my mind. Out of everyone I know, if something happens good or bad, I want to tell you. I want to be around you all the time. Before last night, I have never wanted or thought of being physical with someone. I have never wanted to kiss someone. But with you… I barely had to think about it. It just felt right. Maya nothing about us has ever been straight. We hold hands. I am more touchy with you than with anyone else. Our nicknames for each other for goodness sake aren't even straight. We basically declare our love for each other every day. Plus I got jealous that you put your head on Zay's shoulder and that was totally innocent. I can't picture you not in my life. In fact, doing so breaks me apart as last night proves. You are more than worth it and I sure as hell am not going anywhere. This is going to be confusing and hard for a while, but this… this is right. This is more than right. You and I together is amazing!"

Maya

I can't keep my walls up after that. "Holy shit." I can't process this. Riley smiles and, I know why, it is because I said that last night after our first kiss. She moves in again. She lifts my chin and makes me look at her. She places a sweet, chaste kiss on my lips. It sends chills through my body. I am still terrified and I don't know what all this is. However, we are both interested in each other obviously. "Well, I guess we will have to figure all of this out together then. In time though because I can barely breathe let alone process right now." She smiles because she knows this means I am not giving up and she is right.


	13. Chapter 13: Time to Talk

Author's Notes: Hey everyone! I know I have been gone forever. I am so sorry. Work has been keeping me very busy but come beginning of August it is supposed to settle out. I think I am steering this story back to the original direction but you did get a taste of what may be to come. As always, I appreciate the follows, favorites, and especially the reviews. Messages are also greatly appreciated. These are how I improve and I love getting feedback from you all. Enjoy! :)

Chapter 13: What's Next?

Riley

"Well...we still have 2 full days of the weekend left together. What do you want to do? Talk about? Or whatever?" Why am I nervous? I sound nervous… Why am I nervous? It is literally just Maya.

"Honey… You are acting all nervous. You need to take a breathe and calm down. I probably do too. Maybe I should go home."

"No!" I don't want her to go home. I have been confident since that kiss last night, but I think it has caught up to me. I grab her hand for support and I mean...the physical contact is nice too. Maya looks down and stares at our interlocked hands. "Maya, I don't want you to go. I think that we are going to have to seriously readjust and try to figure out what we currently can and cannot handle. Like is this," I raise our hands, "Okay? Can we handle this?" She looks at our interlocked hands and then back at me.

"Riles, I think I can handle holding your hand. This whole thing scares me, as per evident from my emotional breakdown. And actually, you had a breakdown only like 12 hours ago. You are right we have a lot to figure out. But it isn't just us we have to figure out…"

She lets that hang in the air between us. I know what she means. "You mean Lucas…"

"No I totally meant my love affair with Zay." I hit her arm, but we both laugh. Once again, I am totally enamored with her beauty and currently with her ability to make something so difficult lighthearted. She obviously notices that I am staring. She doesn't break eye contact, but I can feel the tension build in the air. Her eyes flicker down to my lips so fast I almost missed it. She is obviously not going to make the first move and god I really want to move in and kiss her. How did I not realize I had feelings for her before?

"Maya, I am going to let go of your hand right now because if I don't we aren't going to finish our conversation. You are too distracting." This makes her smile, which is only more distracting. This time she does move in. She gets closer and she doesn't break eye contact the whole time. She stops about 2 inches from my face. "Can we handle this?" My breath hitches in my throat. This makes her chuckle and smile in that sly way she does when she knows she has messed with someone else's head. "You're quite devious you know that. Looks like someone is gaining their confidence back."

"Well you know Riles, I bounce back quick. Plus, we both know who is more forward here."

My voice is breathy but I do get out, "See I recall kissing you first." She smirks.

"And I recall professing the fact that I wanted you first. Also, just to further one up you, I have known I wanted you for years."

I do let a laugh slip, because Maya's banter is really something. "I guess I can't fight you there, but you know what I can do?"

"What?" She just gets the word out when I close the gap between us.

Maya

Our lips move in tandem with each other, like we have been doing this for years already. How could we have already found a rhythm between us after only kissing like twice? As I am drinking in her soft lips against mine, she takes this opportunity to move me backwards on the bay window and slowly lay me down with her right on top of me. We are still a little awkward so she doesn't put any weight on me and keeps a good distance from certain areas. Noticing this I smile into the kiss. It all feels so amazing! It is literally everything I have dreamed of for years. But I know this is not the time.

"Riles." I squeak out between kisses despite my breath already becoming ragged. I only get a hum in response as she continues to kiss me. This is so damn hard. "Riles, we need to stop." This gets her attention and she is immediately off of me and she goes to sit on the bed.

I sit up and look at her. "Honey...It isn't that I don't want to." Reading the thoughts racing through her head is literally painful to watch. "It is just...we are just trying to figure out what all this means. And that...well that was moving a bit faster than I think either of us are ready for." She is still looking down and not making eye contact. I get up and move toward where she is sitting. I kneel in front of her, put my hands on her thighs, and catch her eyes with mine. They pull me in immediately as always. "You know I want you. You also know that isn't the issue here. You also know that I am looking out for you. It's sort of my job, best friend or otherwise." I smile genuinely. Luckily, she smiles back. Crisis averted.

I grab her hand and walk us back to the bay window. "So Lucas… As much as I really don't want to talk about him. We have to. Obviously I am not interested in him at all, which I have made very apparent. This was supposed to allow you to be happy." I put my hand up stopping her from objecting. "I know I make you happy. Blah blah." She is glaring at me. "Riles, you have shown interest in him for years. As much as I want to be with you and as much as it would pain me to see you with him, I know you. I know you are going to have to explore that."

She looks down. Contemplating what I just said. I know she already knows that. I also know that this is exactly why she was crying last night. She is scared, just like me. We both don't want to lose each other. At this point, I don't think that is going to happen, but there are feelings involved now. "Riley. Things are going to change at this point. We have professed and acted on feelings for each other. That changes us. But, I am not going anywhere and I have waited this long. I also want to make sure you are the happiest you can be."

Riley

She says she wants me, but now is again trying to convince me I should go out with Lucas. I can't tell if this is still fear or if she is being genuine. She seems really level headed right now. "But Maya, you make me happy. We talked about this, which I know is why you stopped me from talking just a moment ago. Why push me towards him now when I literally am sitting right here telling you I want you back?"

She smiles. It is a sad smile, but she smiles. "Riley, I am saying all of this because you have also said you want Lucas. It is why you were so upset last night. You are confused to some extent. Like I said, I think you have to explore that. Otherwise, it is going to be a huge question mark. I don't want to start something with you with that hanging there. Looming over us."

I hate that she is being so logical right now. "Maya I don't like this. Like at all."

"I know Honey, but you know I am right."

"Peaches...How is this going to work if I am dating Lucas?"

"Well...I think I am going to have to put some distance between us. There is no way I am going to handle you being with him and not me well. I am a jealous person, no matter how logical I am trying to be right now."

"But why be so logical Peaches?"

"Because I want to do this right. I want this to truly work if we choose to go in a romantic direction. You heard me describe what I want from a relationship. I want you to be as sure as I am that this is what you want. And as much as you think this is what you want right this second, only 12 hours ago you were balling your eyes out because of all the confusion. We will make it through this. But I think the Lucas question is the first step."

I sit with that for a couple minutes. Our hands are still intertwined and I take comfort in that for the moment. "I really don't like this."

"I know. I don't either."

"But I do understand what you are saying. I want us to start anything off solid. Our friendship is solid right now. If we choose to follow our feelings for each other, that should be just as solid as our friendship is. I don't want distance between us, because that is going to be hard on all fronts."

"I know."

Maya

I don't want distance between us either. The momentum of the last 12 hours has been too fast but it has also been so nice. I know my logic is strong, but it is definitely hurting my heart even talking about it.

"I am not going to be able to talk to you about any of the stuff with Lucas. Who am I supposed to talk to?"

"You can talk to a lot of people Riley. Your mom, Farkle, Zay, even Smackle. But I think truly… Lucas is the one you will need to talk to the most." Damn it. Why do I have to be so logical? I just don't want to get hurt in the long term. This is short term. Nothing too big has happened. We can still roll this back.

"How are we supposed to act with each other? Do we tell anyone?" Now it is my time to sit here. My logic did not extend this far.

"What do you want Riles?"

"Well for the next two days, I want us to just be us despite the fact that I know that isn't smart. After that, I know you are going to need to protect yourself. Are we allowed to touch? What can you handle?"

I contemplate this for a second. I know the boundaries we set now are important. Not that we can't change them, but this is the starting point and it will be easier now. "I think I can handle hugs, but we probably shouldn't hold hands or be as snuggly as we usually are. Obviously, we can't kiss, just in case that wasn't clear." I smile trying to make light of this. This humor does not reach Riley.

"This is going to be hard." This I smile at. "What?"

"Welcome to my world Honey." She smiles at this a bit too.

"Okay, so nothing but hugging when it comes to physical touch. What about how often we talk and see each other? Topics too."

"Umm...I can't imagine not seeing and talking to you every day like we have been for almost our entire lives."

"I can't either, but what is going to help protect you."

Now it is my turn for the sadness to really start sinking in. "Well… You are going to be spending more time with Lucas. Since you will be dating him. Either way we would be cutting back on our time together. So maybe, we say 1 day on the weekend and 2 during the week." This definitely makes me feel really low.

Riley

"I only get to see you three times a week. What about taking me to school?" This one hits her hard. I can see it on her face, it looks like I just slapped her.

"Maybe...Maybe Ranger Rick should take you to school the other days." I am literally in shock. I sit there stunned. I can't even form words for what has just happened.

"So..So…" A tear sneaks out from my one eye and rolls down my cheek landing on my jeans. "So...You will only take me to school 2 or 3 days, if we hang out on a Friday. We can only hug."

"Yes. I think at school we can talk in classes and in between class with the group; but otherwise, Lucas should walk you to class and such. I think we can text every day, but it can't be 24/7. Just to check in and small conversation." I can feel my heart break. The tears well up a lot faster.

"I...uh...I" My breath catches, but this time not for a fun reason. The tears begin to stream down my face now. "I don't know how I am going to do this. It feels like I am losing you."

"You aren't losing me. I am still here. Always. We are making these decisions to protect me. Plus, you have to take your relationship with Lucas seriously if you are going to figure out where things stand with him. You can't be thinking about me. Mourning the loss of me. Etc. It has to be about you and him."

"Maya, people are going to ask questions. They are going to notice we aren't hanging out as much. What are we supposed to say? Are we telling them or not?"

"Not right now, all that has happened is we have realized our feelings and kissed. I am going to come out as gay. I don't want to keep that to myself anymore. When people ask questions about us, we answer honestly. You are dating Lucas and so you are spending more time with him."

"I guess that is logical." I feel myself acting more robotical as all of this settles in. I'm emotionally exhausted. "Maya?"

"Yes Honey"

"Two things… We are going to have to stop using pet names cause I can't handle that. But what I actually wanted to ask was if for today and tomorrow we could just be us? The friends us that we usually are. I know it is going to hurt but I can't put these boundaries in right now. I need you right now."

"Whatever you want."

Maya

This is definitely going to make things harder. I know this is the right thing to do overall. And throughout this conversation I have felt the protections and the walls around my heart go back up. Despite the fact that Riley is the only person I know that can break those down, I can't let her right now. She really does have to explore things with Lucas.

"Can we take a nap Maya? I am exhausted from this morning's revelations."

"Yes." I grab her hand and think about how this is one of the last times I am going to be able to do this for a while. I take her over to the bed and she crawls in and I crawl in behind her. I rub her back softly and run my fingers through her hair until she falls asleep. Once she does, I put my arm over her and fall asleep too.

-A few hours later-

I feel Riley stir and I wake up. Nothing has left my mind and I am sure she is still feeling emotional. Hopefully, the nap helped some though. "Riley what do you think about going on a walk? Maybe in the park?"

She turns and smiles. "Okay. I will pack up a lunch for us and we can go." She gets up and grabs some clothes. She looks back at me as she does. Then, she turns around and goes into the bathroom to change. This is probably a smart move. After, she changes she goes into the kitchen so I take the time to change in the closet. I start laughing while in the the closet. The irony is too strong. This is when Riley comes in.

Riley

"Why are you laughing?"

"Oh just because I was in the closet." I laugh as the irony in that sentence is about as thick as it gets.

"WOW! Well done Maya." I clap. "I packed us some sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly for me and just peanut butter for you and some apple slices. Are you ready?"

"Absolutely let's go."

We walk out of Riley's bedroom and into the kitchen. Topanga is there. She immediately asks "What's wrong?" Riley turns to me because she can't lie to save her life.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Riley's eyes are all puffy like she has been crying."

"Oh, she just didn't sleep very well. That is why I let her sleep a bit longer."

"Yeah. Nice try. I know my daughter. I know when she has been crying. What is really going on?"

Riley again looks at me with fear in her eyes. "I came out to Riley." I know it is the only thing that will get Topanga off of Riley. Its shock value alone would do it.

"Came out? As in came out as something other than straight?"

"Yes. I am gay." Topanga nods her head.

"Why did this make Riley cry?" Again Riley looks at me. Her head is going back and forth like she is watching a tennis match.

"After I told her, she started looking up current events and it led into a blackhole."

Topanga smiles at this. She comes over and hugs me first. "I am very proud of you for coming out. That is very brave and strong. I know that isn't easy." Then she turns to Riley and hugs her. "Riley, Maya is going to be okay. If anything happens, I will sue the hell out of whoever hurts her. You know that. Plus, LGBTQ rights are slowly getting better. I know it is still not great, but we are moving in the right direction. I think we will come out on the right side eventually. Ya know after some of the country pull their heads out of their ass." This makes me explode with laughter. In fact, that was so good it even made Riley perk up a bit. "I'll let you two go. Have fun! Maya I am so proud of you and Riley don't worry."

I smile the whole way to the park. I just came out to the first person that wasn't Riley. Oh my God, I need to talk to my mom and Shawn!


	14. Chapter 14: Out and About

Author's Note: Alright. I know it has been a while. I have the rest of the story pretty much planned out, just have to actually write it. With school starting back up, I don't know how fast that will be. I do use writing as an outlet, but sometimes I am also just down right exhausted. Anyway... I had people asking to update so here ya go. I seek to please. I am doing really well and I hope all of you are too! Feel free to leave a review with your feedback, favorite or follow, and PM me about how your doing or anything else for that matter. :)

Chapter 14: Out and About

Maya

"Riley?"

"Yea Maya."

"There is something I have to do before we go to the park." I pause and take in her look. She looks nervous. "I need to go tell my mom and Shawn that I'm gay."

She looks down and back up at me again with a serious look. "Do you feel ready for that?"

I smile. "Riley, I have been ready for a long time. I just didn't see the point in rocking the boat until something happened. And well… something happened." This makes her smile for a second, but then her face falls. "I want to do it now because unfortunately tomorrow is going to be our last day of normalcy for a while and I have a feeling I am going to need you after." Riley just nods. She knows this is serious and risky. As much as I think they both will be accepting, you never really know.

We walk in silence to the apartment. We stop outside. "Riley, could you wait outside? I definitely need to do this alone."

"Of course. I will be right here when you get out. No matter how long it takes."

"Thank you." Then I turn to head into the building. Before I reach the door, I turn around and wrap my arms around Riley's waist. I need that comfort, that courage, to do this. She wraps her arms around my neck and just holds me for a couple seconds. This is unfortunately one of the many sad hugs we have had lately and I think unfortunately one of only a few to come. It still helps for now. I turn back around without looking at her face as I know she is thinking similar things as me and head inside.

I trudge up the stairs and stand outside the door for a moment. I don't hesitate long because if I do I will never go in, but I do need to prepare myself for any reaction to come. I open the door and mom and Shawn are standing at the kitchen island drinking some coffee. "Maya! What are you doing home sweetie? Aren't you supposed to be at Riley's all weekend?" A look of concern crosses both of their faces. "Oh no, did something happen honey?"

"No, no nothing bad. I just… need to tell you something. Something important about me." Both of their faces are still concerned but now also confused.

At the same time they both say "Okkkkaaayyy." They then look and smile at each other. They are so cute sometimes. I am so happy they are together. This makes me smile too. They turn back to me know. Shawn says "what is it Maya?"

"Can you both sit? I am going to sit to and this feels like a sitting conversation." They both move over to the couch and I sit on the coffee table in front of them so I am close but am facing both of them.

My mom tentatively speaks now. "Maya you are worrying me?"

"This is not something to worry you. I am not going to draw this out because I feel like there really is just one way to say this, so I am just going to come out with it." I pause and look up at them. I feel the tears pushing at the back of my eyes threatening to fall at a moment's notice. "I'm gay."

They both look at each other, then back at me, then back at each other. This time they smile though. Now it is my turn to be confused. "Wait… why are you smiling? Isn't this like earth shattering?"

They both laugh. My mom speaks first "Maya, honey, we have wondered for a while if you were gay." Shawn's turn "Yeah, I mean you are ridiculously close with Riley and this whole thing with Lucas… I mean when he is around it is so obvious you don't see him that way. But when Riley is around… You look at her like… like she is your whole world."

I literally just sit there in shock. Out of all the possible scenarios. This is not what I expected. "You knew?" They both nod.

They grab each other's hand and look at me. My mom speaks again "Honey, we are so proud of you and are really happy you feel comfortable coming and telling us this." She puts her hand on my knee. "We know this must have been really hard for you." Shawn then speaks "Exactly. I know every parent says this, but Maya we love you no matter what, always will. But may I ask what prompted this?"

Now I am completely flustered. I did not expect them to be so chill and I sure as hell did not prepare for that question. "Uhhh… well… I had questioned my sexuality previously and have for years. But it finally really solidified this last week really." They both look at me waiting for more. "I came out to Riley." Now this shocks them.

"You did?! How did that go?"

"Well, she was Riley. Supportive like always." Again they look at me for more. Why do they have to be so smart? Damn it. "Well since you seem to be all knowing gurus… I told her that I had feelings for her. But… she just started dating Lucas like a few days ago. So that is what it is right now. Time will tell I guess. In the meantime, we set up a plan to protect my feelings."

This again shocks them. Shawn talks this time. "I mean I figured you told her about your feelings. I also figured that like everyone knew, but apparently not. However, your plan… as logical as it is to protect yourself…" He turns to my mom. "Is down right stupid?" They both turn back to me.

My jaw literally drops. "What?" The tears threaten to fall again. I thought I had it all worked out and now this.

"Maya, does she like you back?" I nod cause I can't lie to them. "Alright, then what the hell are you doing? Lucas doesn't get first dibs."

"I… I don't want to start a relationship with her when she might forever question if she is interested in Lucas. I want it to start as solid as our friendship is. Even if that means I have to hurt in the short term. I would rather do that now before becoming further attached if she truly is interested in Lucas."

"Again, really logical. But aren't you sort of losing her by pushing her to him?"

"I mean… I guess. But I think it is necessary."

"Honey, we will both support you and your decisions. But don't let what happened with your dad and I influence how you handle this. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. It is obvious you care deeply for each other. I don't see that changing, do you?"

Immediately I respond "No! Never!"

"So then what's the hold up?"

"I just want to do this right. I want there to be no loose ends. No question marks. I can't afford to lose her completely because she breaks up with me for Lucas. I could never handle that." The tears begin to stream down my face at full force now.

They both pull me in for a hug. "Okay. Okay. It is going to be alright. We understand. Maybe this is the best decision. Just remember you are not a second choice and you deserve to be happy." I nod, the tears still falling fast.

I pull back. "Thank you for being so understanding." I sniffle. "Riley is downstairs. I don't want to keep her waiting. You guys have given me a lot to think about though, which as much as I love you both, really sucks. I thought I knew what I was doing, but you just made me question it all."

"I know honey. Go. Go be with Riley. It will all settle out and you will do the right thing for you. Just be you. That is the best thing you can do. Okay?"

"Okay." I hug them again. They walk me to the door. "We love you sweetie!"

"I love you guys too! So much. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon." I hug them again for the support. The squeeze extra tight because they know how important this moment is. They pull back, nod and shut the door as I walk away.

Holy shit! I just came out! They knew already. And they just threw a huge monkey wrench in my plans to handle all this.

Riley

She has been gone for about 15 minutes. I hope everything's going okay. I can't help but think that I am the reason this is all happening. I made a move on Maya. I started this whole chain of events. I should have thought of her feelings. Now, we have realized our feelings are more than friendship, Maya has come out, and I am still somehow dating Lucas. How does this make sense? I mean logically I get what Maya is saying. Logically, starting off with no questions or possible regrets makes sense. But I don't see how I could ever regret choosing Maya. She is my extraordinary relationship. The fact that I didn't realize my feelings when I said that is baffling to me.

I love Maya. I already know that. I also really doubt that would ever change. Yes, I have been interested in Lucas for years, but I have loved Maya for a lot longer. But I guess love and in love is different. I don't know. I feel confused. I feel like I was just spun around 10 times and told to walk across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope: dazed, wobbly, and a little nauseous.

I am pulled out of my thoughts when I hear the door to Maya's building creak open. She steps out. Her blond hair flowing behind her in the breeze. Her face is stained with tears but she doesn't seem sad. In fact, she looks like she is about to complete the same great feat across the Grand Canyon that I am.

She walks up to me and I immediately bring my hands to her face and wipe away the tear tracks. As I do so, we both lock eyes. It is automatic. I feel myself begin to get lost in those amazing blue eyes. My body gets closer to her like it is being drawn in. Before I do anything that could hurt her, I hug her because I need the contact but I can't kiss her. It takes more restraint than I thought it would. She just pulls me in tighter, not for support, but because she wants to be close to me too. There is a warmth to it.

She pulls back and begins leading us to the park. We don't hold hands and we don't really talk. We just begin walking. The feeling and experience is completely foreign. This is not the usual us, but this is definitely not a usual day.

Maya finally breaks the silence. "So you aren't going to believe this, but they knew."

"They knew? How could they know? I didn't know."

"Well they did. They knew I was gay. They knew I have feelings for just knew."

We continue walking in confused silence for a while. That was not something I expected. Not at all.

Maya

"So were they like… okay with all of it?"

"Oh yeah! They were more than supportive. In fact, they questioned me on why we aren't together. They think I am being stupid, but will support me anyway." I look over to Riley for just a moment. I have been focusing straight ahead in an attempt to get my thoughts to follow an actual path. When I look at her, this revelation seems to really baffle her.

"Umm... " She pauses. "Why do they think you are being stupid?" Honestly, I can tell she already knows. I know her too well. I could see the confusion on her face when I walked out of the building. She was already thinking about it and probably blaming herself for something. We were going to have to fix that.

"Well, I'll be honest. But you aren't allowed to start freaking out. Because as of right now, I am going to stick with our original plan until you or I feel otherwise." She is only able to nod. "They think that Lucas should not get "dibs" so to speak. They don't think I should come second." Now it is her turn to face forward in an attempt to process.

We continue walking in silence. We come to the entrance to the park and head for our normal spot. Makes sense since this is one of our final days of so called normalcy. This isn't the same though. It has already changed. We are only pretending to help Riley.

Riley

She shouldn't come second. She doesn't come second. She has always come first to me. For someone to point on that this plan of ours means she comes second, it breaks my heart. A tear slowly slips out of my left eye and travels down my face. Maya doesn't see it as she is on my right side. I try to nonchalantly wipe away the track so she won't notice.

We reach our spot and I mechanically lay out the blanket. It is all from muscle memory because right now my mind is all jumbled up. When we sit, I can feel her eyes on me. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Mostly because you're beautiful and I like to, but also because I know you." I don't exactly know how to respond to that. She caught me off guard. She called me beautiful and I only just got more lost and really flustered. "Riley, I know that you are already second guessing our plan. I know this partially because I am. I mean my parents make a good point. But I am also going to make a good point here so pay attention." I nod. "This plan on the surface seems like I come second. But if you analyze our reasoning, you can see that I actually come first. We are making sure our relationship is absolutely perfect when we start." I smile when she says when. It isn't if anymore, it's when. "However, Riley, they did make me think about something. Maybe we should put a sort of time to reassess clock on your relationship with Lucas so we aren't dragging all of this out. For me and him."

"I think that is a good idea. I don't want to do that to either of you. We need to pick an amount of time that is respectful to both of you. Not so short that Lucas questions why we even dated and not too long that I lead him on and not too long that you sit there in agony that just builds up over time."

"First, lets bring down the melodrama. I am not going to be in agony. That is why we set up the boundaries we did. Yes, it isn't going to be fun, but I won't die." She looks at me to make sure I got it. Again I nod. "How about three months?"

My mouth drops. That seems like such a long time before I can be with her. The fact that I am even feeling this way. "Maya…"

"Riley! I think that is adequate time for you to figure out if your feelings are real with Lucas. Enough time to get past this shock of feelings for me, so you can focus on him and then decide if you two mesh or not." She is not necessarily wrong, but… god I just want to be with her.

"Maya… what if we are wrong? What if it is wrong to do this to Lucas? I don't know about you, but I know what I am thinking right now and these thoughts are definitely not fair to Lucas."

Maya being Maya, she bites her lip and gives me a once over like she is checking me out. Except, she totally is. I hit her arm playfully. "Maya! I'm serious."

She smiles and looks at me. "Like I said, this is all new and shiny. We need to make sure that that isn't all it is. And before you go saying it's not, realize you literally just said yes to dating Lucas like three days ago."

Again she isn't wrong. "God Maya, when did you become so logical?"

"When you stopped." She says oh so matter of factly. "Now… enough of this. We have set the ground rules and I want to enjoy our picnic. Plus I have so many new ways to mess with you and I am so going to enjoy them."

God she is going to be the death of me.


	15. Chapter 15: Not so Perfect Ending

Author's Note: Classes have begun. Unfortunately, that means more stress and being around people again, which has brought up a lot of emotions. I wish it was not so damn hard to find the person for me. I just want to give and be loved. Right now, it just doesn't feel like it is in the cards, which is lonely. I am okay though and writing helps a ton, so here I am. I hope you are all going well. I am thinking there will be 20 chapters total, maybe a few more depending on how deep the storyline gets in some places, with a probable sequel. As always, I appreciate you messages, comments, favorites, and follows greatly :)

Chapter 15: Not so Perfect Ending

Riley

"Okay. No more about my coming out. No more about feelings. And definitely no more about the plan. We are going to enjoy what is left of the day." I notice she leaves out the last day of normalcy part, last day before we are saying goodbye to who we used to be. She is doing this all for me, but it isn't doing anything really for me. The thoughts are still there.

I move closer to her. I want to get in all the touching I can before I can't anymore. I take out the meals I packed and lay it out on the blanket in front of us. When I sit down again, I sit directly next to her and grab her hand. If she wasn't so short, I would put my head on her shoulder too. I can feel her tense momentarily but then relax. She really does bounce back fast.

We eat our food while talking and laughing like any other day. We finish eating and get up to walk around the park. She immediately grabs the basket to carry it for me. I grab her hand. She looks down at the connection between us and then back up into my eyes where we both can feel the connection between us. We walk in silence, because we don't want to break this moment.

As we walk, I notice all the couples along the way. Maybe my brain is overly conscious of relationships right now because of everything going on, but I swear there are more than normal. We pass by two boys sitting on a park bench looking dreamily at each other as they talk. If you weren't paying attention you wouldn't notice that they are a couple, but if you are you can see the spark between them. I can see their pinkies crossed over each other. They are definitely together but are trying to keep it on the down low.

I look over at Maya when we pass them and just stare. Her perfect golden hair lit up by the sun and her silhouette perfect as always. I watch as she smiles at little things we pass by. There are sculptures throughout the park and she always slows down our walking pace to look at them. Her pure amazement and adoration for art is adorable. She also always carries change when we are in the park because she gives each musician she sees a quarter. She usually leaves the park a dollar or two poorer, but she does it every time. I am sure that adds up and all the musicians know her and smile when they see her. She also pays closer attention to the families in the park. Takes in their happiness. I can tell when she watches them that she wants that and she has gotten closer to it since Shawn, but she wants it for her future. Her earlier comments about what she wants from a relationship are not lost on me.

Maya

Spending time in the park is one of my favorite things, after being with Riley in the bay window and being in the art studio. There is always so many things for the senses to take in. I try to commit it all to memory. Today, I try to commit the feeling of Riley's hand in mine to memory. I know that this feeling and this memory may be what holds me for a while. I feel how our fingers intertwine with my hand in the back and hers in the front. We keep it loose to make it more comfortable. Every once in awhile I run my thumb along the side of her hand. Holding hands also keeps us closer together when we walk. I can feel every little stubble as she walks and holding her hand makes it easier to catch her. We bump hips or shoulders here and there. I hear her quiet, calm breathing, which grounds me to the present moment.

We come to a more secluded part of the park, where there are very few people. Most people stay in the main sections and play with their pets, frisbees, friends, instruments, and so on. These sections aren't as open. They are covered by trees, which I personally find beautiful. As we walk into this section I spot this tree that has the perfect dip to form a seat. I run over there with Riley in tow. This natural seat is not as big as I thought so I end up setting down the basket and sitting down. Riley has to sit in my lap. Any other day this would not cause a second thought; but today, this closeness is noticed by both parties. We haven't talked a lot, just enjoyed each other's presence. Riley and I have never really had to talk, we are just happy being near each other. We sit in this alcove in the tree just looking into each other's eyes.

"Maya?"

"Yes?"

"Would it be okay if I kissed you? I know we are trying to make this less painful, but I really want to. I know this is out of our previous norm, but now… things are different."

"I really don't think that is a good idea. Us sitting like this is already pushing it. But like I always say, whatever you want."

She does think for a few seconds and I almost think that I put her back on a logical path. Then I feel her move in and kiss my cheek. Then she kissed me again closer to my mouth. I feel her hand on my chin tilting my head upward. She kisses the very edge of my mouth. We sit their momentarily. I have learned restraint and with situations like these I am just becoming stronger which is good cause I have a strong feeling I am going to need it. Riley is looking into my eyes and then she moves in again catching my lips with hers. I kiss her back, because honestly long term it is what I want. I would never wish to deny her the love she deserves.

Luckily yet unfortunately, we start to hear people moving in our direction. Our lips disconnect and we rest our foreheads against one another's for just a moment before we get up to start walking again. We end up going full circle and making it back to the Matthews house. I stop just out front. "Riley… Maybe we should stop here. Maybe I shouldn't sleep over tonight. Maybe it is better for us to allow a day to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally for reality."

Riley

Tears immediately start to fall. All I want is to keep her close to me. "I...I… I don't want you to go. I know… I know once you leave...everything changes." I get out between hyperventilating breaths. Maya immediately hugs me to try to calm me down, which works like always. But then my mind immediately goes to, who else is going to be able to hug me and calm me down like she does? I start sobbing into her shoulder.

She pulls me into the alley next to my building for some semblance of privacy. "Riles… This is going to be terrible no matter when we do this. But we can't have you crying like this in school. Everyone will know something is up and you are definitely not ready for that. Also, if I stay, we both know that we are not going to sleep. All we are going to think about is how close we are. How much we want to close that gap. I mean god, I am even thinking about that right now."

My eyes snap up to her. She is right and I stop the impulse to close the gap between us. A type of restraint I have a feeling I am going to come to fine tune over the next three months.

"I just don't want you to go. I don't want things to be different. I don't want to see you less. I want to just be us." Tears still streaming down my face but at least I am breathing. I can see her emotions right under the surface. She hates seeing me so upset. "But Maya, I also know you are right. And I want to do things right with us."

Now I close the gap and I hug her. I hold her there for a good 5 minutes. After which, I do kiss her one last time very chastely and let her go. As she leaves she says "I will pick you up for school on Monday since you haven't talked to Huckleberry yet."

As soon as she rounds the corner, I cry the entire way up the fire escape and weep in my bed when I reach the top.

Maya

As soon as I round that corner, I let one tear roll down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away and then resolve myself to at least hold it together until I get home and into my room. I know cutting it short was the right thing to do. It was an impulsive decision. But we had a good day, I knew the night and the following day would be awkward and terribly sad. That is not what I wanted. And I was being honest when I said we needed to prepare for the time ahead.

When I walk back into the apartment, Mom and Shawn are surprised to see me. "Hi Honey. You okay? You are home a day early." My mom speaks with concern laced in her voice. As soon as I shut the door, I crash to the ground, curl up in a ball, and just start balling. They immediately rush to my side concerned for my well-being. "Baby girl what happened?" I can't get words out I am crying so hard. Realizing this she asks "Is this about Riley?" I nod. "You decided to stick with the plan?" I nod again. Shawn scoops me up. As he walks me to my room, he says in his sweetest, most caring voice "Sweetheart, you deserve the world. You deserve to be happy. She makes you happy. Don't let a dumb boy get in the way. If you have to take what you can get for now, so be it. But you have to find a way to be happy in the meantime. Because you only get one life, you don't want to spend it crying in your room. But for this particular moment, you get to do that. You get to mourn this so that you can properly continue with your life. Your mom and I are here for you. We love you unconditionally and will do anything for you."

He lays me down in my bed. My mom pulls the covers over me. As they go to leave arm in arm, I am able to get out "I love you guys."


	16. Chapter 16: Oh No You Didn't

Author's Note to come at the end

Chapter 16: Oh No You Didn't

Maya

I spent all of Sunday in my room crying. Shawn and mom came in every once in awhile with food and kind words. I wake up and it is Monday morning. I feel absolutely zero motivation to get out of bed. My eyes feel incredibly swollen and I don't know if the thought of seeing Riley makes me want to get up or stay in bed forever. I have never felt so lost.

I slowly get ready and drag myself over to Riley's. It takes everything in me not to breakdown in the alley where we said goodbye on the way to the fire escape. I think I might actually stop coming this way. Maybe the front door overall is just a good idea. I climb the fire escape and come in the window not paying attention.

When I look up, I see Riley coming out of the closet in her pants and a bra with a shirt in her hand. I stand there frozen. She is always ready by the time I get here and seeing her without a shirt, in this moment, makes me more emotional than it should. Our eyes meet and I can see how swollen hers are. I quickly turn around to give her some privacy. "Maya, you can turn around."

"Is your shirt on?"

"Does that make a difference?"

"Yes. Yes it does."

"Yes my shirt is on. Will you turn around now?" I turn around and I am relieved that she is wearing her shirt. "Do I get a hug now Maya?"

"Oh…" I walk over to give her a hug. She puts her arms around me and does not let go. This hug definitely lasts longer than it should. "You keep this up Riley we will be late for school." She lets go at this and quickly moves toward the door. I follow behind her.

Topanga is bustling around the kitchen. However, when she sees me, she stops and immediately comes over to me. "Can you explain to me why my daughter has been crying? She won't tell me anything." Riley doesn't look over at me. She keeps her head down at the table.

"Well Topanga, I would assume it has something to do with a helpless animal."

"It can't be that. She hasn't touched her computer or phone long enough to come across something like that to be sad about."

"Maybe it is about Lucas. I mean you know this triangle of ours has caused a lot of drama. With everything out in the open now, maybe it is overwhelming." Riley looks up at this.

Riley

I try to stay numb, but I can't. How could she even for a second let someone believe this sadness is caused by Lucas. This is all over her. Things are changing and all I want is her.

My mom speaks again "That doesn't seem plausible."

"Well then maybe it is the fact that I am taking a morning class and so I won't be able to walk her to class before school and Lucas will have to take her. She is just going to miss my beautiful face and warm hugs so much." God… and so the torture begins.

"That sounds more like it." My mom will believe that time away from Maya is a plausible reason to cry, but not Lucas. Even my mom knows Maya is everything to me, that Lucas could never come close.

"Well we better grab something quick and head to school or we will be late." Maya grabs a pop tart from the cupboard and walks toward the door. I take this as my cue to start moving.

"Bye Mom"

"Bye not my ma." Maya lets me leave first and she shuts the door behind us. "Riley, you need to snap out of it." I look at her shocked.

"How could you just be normal?"

"You think I like this? No I don't fucking like this. In fact, I hate it. But we both decided it is necessary for the time being. You need to figure out your feelings for Lucas. You can't be crying over me. Things need to be business as usual." I nod. "When we get to school, you need to ask Lucas to pick you up for school for everyday except Wednesday this week."

"Okay Maya. Are we done now?"

"Yes."

"Are you coming out to our friends this morning?"  
"If it feels right, yes."

"Okay. Do you know what you are going to say?"

"I thought I would wing it."

"Sounds like you." She is so spontaneous and courageous.

Maya

We make it to school. I don't really feel anxious about telling our friends that I am gay. I told the people that matter the most and the ones I was worried about. Everything is fine with all of them. Everyone else's opinions don't matter that much.

We walk up to the group. Immediately, Lucas breaks away from the group and comes over to us. I keep walking toward the group while Riley stops. His head turns a bit surprised that I didn't stop too. They are going to have to get used to this.

Farkle starts "Hi Maya!" Everyone else gets a hello out as well.

"Hey everyone."

"What's up? You actually separated from Riley." Zay says.

"She is dating Lucas now. They are going to be together more often. They are going to need alone time and such."

"I guess that's true." That was wayyyyyy easier than I thought it would be. They just accepted that as an answer. For now at least. Riley and Lucas are pretty quickly on my heals. They come up hand and hand. My eyes flick to their hands only momentarily, but Riley is looking right at me so she obviously saw it.

I look up and plaster on my signature smile. "Hey everyone. I have something to tell you."

Smackle responds "Oooo what is it? Do we get to know who the mystery man is that has you straying from the oh so handsome Lucas?"

Farkle immediately bursts out "Smackle! Now it really is not cool. It isn't just me anymore, it is Riley too." They all look to Riley. She doesn't show any sign of jealousy. Here is where I come in.

"Mystery woman." Everyone looks back to me. There is a bit of confusion and shock in their eyes.

"Can you repeat that?" Zay says in a higher pitch than normal.

"Oh yeah of course. The person distracting me from Lucas is a woman, not a man."

"Are you saying what I think you are saying?" Lucas finally says something.

"Well if it is "Maya is gay," then yes that is what I am saying." They all just stare at me, not sure what to ask or say first.

"There is a girl you are interested in?" Zay says once again.

"Yes." Everyone then immediately starts to try to figure it out.

Riley

She just told everyone she is interested in someone. I didn't think that was part of the plan. She gives me a once over after saying that. I immediately look around to see if anyone saw. They are all too distracted. I look back to her and she bites her lip in a sly way but she knows what she is doing.

Lucas snaps me out of my momentary trance. "Did you know about this?"

"She told me this weekend. I was just as in the dark as you guys."

"And we all know how Riley loves being in the dark." Everyone laughs assuming Maya is being sarcastic. Lucky for me this distracts them as I am sure I immediately started blushing thinking about the first time Maya and I kissed. Her lips against mine and when she flipped her hair and straddled me. God that night!

Again Lucas is the one that pulls me back to reality. "Is that why your eyes are all puffy?" I look at him shocked for a second.

"Uhh...Uh… She told my parents and it became emotional." It isn't a lie. Just not the truth. Maya is smiling across from me. She is not going to make this easy on me. This was her plan, why torture me. I mean other than the obvious fact that it is fun.

The bell rings and we head to class. I turn to Lucas. "Hey Lucas? Would you be able to pick me up to bring me to school in the morning?"

"Like all the time? I thought that was Maya's thing."

"Well you are supposed to be my boyfriend so…"

He is definitely shocks, but in his excitement gets out "Yeah! Yeah, of course I will."

"Cool. Also, will you be walking me to classes?"

Again shocked "Yeah of course."

Maya

I can see Riley talking to Lucas about what we discussed. I can tell I am already making Riley squirm. I don't know why I feel the need to do it. I mean this was my idea and she is still emotional. But, I don't exactly want her dating Lucas to be good. God that sounds selfish, but I want her.

Seeing them walk into class hand-in-hand is hard. I want to be holding her hand. I want to feel her hip bump against mine because we are so close together. This is not going to be easy for me, so why should it be easy for her.

We sit down in our seats. I feel my phone buzz. I grab it and see I have a message from Riley. I look up at her then back down to my phone to read the message. 'You know this is hard enough without your little comments'

I quickly type out 'It shouldn't be hard for you. You like Lucas.' I see her read the message and look up and glare at me. I shrug my shoulders. Internally though, I feel this weight on my chest and a knot in my stomach. I know it isn't right, but god I can't stop.

Class passes by without anything crazy happening. When the bell rings I get up and head to my locker solo. Farkle follows me. "Maya, what is going on?"

"Whatever do you mean Farkle?"

"I mean why are you not walking with Riley to class? You two are always together."

"Farkle, she has a boyfriend."

"Yeah and she seems so happy about it. You and I both know that your so called "mystery woman" is no mystery. It is Riley." Well that didn't take him long, guess his genius crosses over to analyzing others.

"Why wouldn't Riley be happy with Lucas? He is a good guy and she has wanted to date him for a long time now."

"You didn't deny that Riley is the mystery woman."

"I'm not going to. I am not going to comment on it. You can think what you want." He just sits there. He expected a yes or no. I gave him a middle answer that isn't an answer. I see him shift his weight from foot to foot.

"Maya. That isn't an answer."

"It is what you are going to get though." Again this frustrates him.

Riley

Lucas comes over to my desk. My eyes are still on the door where Maya just disappeared. "Riley?"..."Riley?"

"Sorry." I gather my things. "Ready to go?"

He looks at me weird. "Are you okay?" He grabs my stuff from me and moves toward the door with me right next to him.

"Yes. I'm fine. Are you ready for Math?" He grabs my hand when we get into the hallway. I pay attention to how it feels. He hold my hand tight. His hands are rough and cold. I immediately start thinking of holding Maya's hand. Her hands are soft and warm. Holding her hand is so comfortable, but this...this hurts my wrist.

Maya

I leave Farkle and head to art class. I sit down at my usual easel. I notice a girl sit down next to me and I continue to set up my supplies. When I sit to face the teacher I notice in my peripheral vision that she is starting at. I turn and with slight annoyance ask "Do you need something?"

She smiles. "Is it true you are gay?" That sure spread fast. I mean I literally came out like two hours ago.

"Yes. That is true." This makes her smile again. She is a petite little thing. She is actually shorter than me. I notice that and her auburn hair. It is an amazing color, a color that paint could never capture.

"Well that's good." I kind of chuckle.

"I guess." She chatters away with me throughout class. The assignment today is to paint something that makes us truly happy. To try to keep things on the down low, I begin to paint dinner with my family and the Matthews family. It is going to take several classes to finish it.

I interrupt the girl. "Wait...What is your name?"

"Oh silly me. I'm Erin." Again, she is smiling at me and looking me directly in the eyes. It is a lot of eye contact.

I break it by looking at her painting. "Is that the park?"

"Yes. Do you know this spot?"

I nod. "Yeah actually I do! It is one of my favorites. That sculpture there is my favorite."

"No way! It is my favorite too. Maybe...Maybe we could go some time. Appreciate it together."

Uh. That's interesting. "Yeah. Sure." I mean I am not going to turn down seeing my favorite sculpture and I enjoy going to the park with people more than I like going alone.

"Cool!" Again with the smiling.

Class finishes. Erin stops me by grabbing my wrist. "Hey! We should exchange numbers. You know so we can plan a time to go to the park."

"Oh that makes sense." We do and then I go to leave. She follows behind me chattering away. We make it to my locker. She is still talking. I notice Riley and Lucas coming down the hallway. They are holding hands and Lucas is carrying Riley's stuff. She looks so beautiful and I can still see the outline of her bra under her shirt, which is killing me. It had to be this morning that she would walk out without a shirt on.

I distract myself by actually paying attention to what Erin has to say.

Riley

Lucas and I make small talk, like normal. It is friendly and warm. For a moment, and I mean a brief moment, I don't think about Maya. It is when Lucas starts to talk about Texas. He gets so passionate when he talks about home. It is what drew me to him from the beginning. Realizing this however, I think about how passionate Maya gets about art. Like how she looks at the sculptures in the park.

We round the corner to meet up with the group for lunch. When we do, I notice Maya is at her locker. A girl is with her. Who the fuck is this girl? I immediately feel myself pull in that direction. Lucas notices my change in direction. "Who is that girl?" He asks with genuine curiosity.

"I literally have no idea." I can feel a burning in my chest and my brain going a mile a minute. Farkle and Smackle join us. Smackle says "Maybe that is the mystery woman."

"What? No! We don't even know who she is." Lucas looks at me weird. This is like the fifth time today.

Smackle speaks up. "Actually, she is in my AP Physics class. Her name is Erin." Smackle pauses as if something just hit her. "If I am remembering correctly, I am pretty sure she came out Sophomore year." I feel my anger boil even higher. Who does this girl think she is? Maya comes out and she immediately makes a move on her. Wait, is this the first time? Maya has never mentioned an Erin. What if she has been around for a while? Holy shit. What if Maya is interested in this Erin girl? I mean three months is a long time. Maya could date someone else...

I immediately walk over to them. Lucas is in tow as he doesn't let my hand go. "Hi!" I say overenthusiastically. "My name is Riley. I am Maya's best friend. I don't think we have met." Erin takes a step back from Maya, which was way too close to begin with.

She reaches out her hand "Hi! My name is Erin. It is nice to meet you. If you are friends with Maya then you must be pretty cool." I shake her hand, probably squeezing a little too hard. I see her face squish up a little. Throughout the whole thing Maya and Lucas are silent, just watching. Lucas has that strange face that he has periodically had throughout the day today. Maya is just staring at me.

Maya

God she is beautiful! Her brunette hair shines even under the harsh school flourescent lights. Her jeans hug her legs perfectly and again that tight shirt and bra. I tune in to hear what she has to say. She is introducing herself to Erin. She probably thinks we are super close friends. I literally did nothing though, she just followed me. I notice Riley shake her hand, but Riley hugs people usually.

Riley turns to me. "Ready to go to lunch Peaches?" She called me peaches. That is against the rules.

"Yes. Of course. Bye Erin."

"Bye Maya." Erin quickly hugs me.

"We better go." Riley says with annoyance in her voice. I get out of the hug and we head to lunch.

When we sit down with the group, people immediately jump into questioning me. I get "Who was that? Is that the mystery woman? Are you two together? How come we haven't met her before?" from various people all at once. I am completely confused. "What are you guys talking about?"

This time Riley talks. "You guys seemed close. She even hugged you. I think we all assumed that maybe she is the girl you are interested in. That she is the reason you came out."

"Uhhhhh. Well, I just met her today. She came up to me. She talked to me. She asked for my number. She followed me. I don't even remember what she said."

"Wait she asked for your number?!"

"Yes. She wants to go to the park and look at the art pieces with me. We are both artists and like the same sculpture in the park."

"Oh well sounds like you guys have a lot in common. That date will go well."  
Now it is my turn to be shocked. My eyes grow wide. "Date?!"

Smackle comes in. "Yeah usually people express interest in similar things, exchange numbers, and go out together. That's a date."

"It wasn't labelled as such. But that would make sense why she asked if I was gay." I look over at Riley at this point. She looks pissed. Like really, really angry. Like fire in her eyes angry. I look away. The rest of the group seems to realize that I didn't realize what was happening. "Guys I came out because I figured out I liked girls. Girls are who I am attracted too, not guys. Guys annoy me and are gross. No offense guys."

In unison they say "None taken." The bell for the next class rings. We all get up and head to class. Lucas grabs Riley's tray and her hand and walk toward our shared science class.

Riley

The classes go by in a blur. I am so angry. All I can think about is Erin asking Maya out. Lucas keeps trying to pull my attention to him. He holds my hand, carries my stuff, and talks to me about things that are deep like we always do.

The day ends and we walk out together. Lucas stops me. "Riley what is going on?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean we have been together all day but I think I have had your attention for maybe five minutes. You seemed more enthralled by a girl showing interest in Maya than you did with your own boyfriend."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I am just not used to having a boyfriend. I am used to giving Maya most of my attention."

"Yeah. Well now you have a boyfriend."

"You're right."

"Am I? What are you going to do about?"

Maya

When I come out of the building I see Lucas and Riley. In fact, I hear Lucas before I see them. His level of sass and anger is growing by the minute. He does not get to talk to my girl that way. I storm up to them. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" I step in between them and look Lucas directly in the eye.

"I'm HER boyfriend. Who are you?"

"As you already know, I am her best friend since childhood and I am not okay with the way you are talking to her. You being condescending and rude is not the way to start a relationship."

Now Riley speaks up. Quietly, but she does. "You're right it's not." We both turn to look at her. Lucas in a normal voice now says "What?"

"This isn't how we start a relationship. This is how we end one." I am smiling, while Lucas looks completely shocked. "Lucas, we are done. We were over before we even started." She takes a moment to let this sink in. Lucas is obviously not going to say anything. "Maya take me home."

Author's Note: The plan was to draw the Rucas thing out for another chapter, but I just couldn't do it guys. I cannot right Rucas. It never made sense to me in the show and it sure does not make sense in my own writing. Lucas's character on the show never had enough depth in my opinion so if I was going to draw this out I would have had to create some, which I have like less than zero desire to do. But since you are really here for Rilaya, I'm sure you will all survive. Plus this was a nice angsty chapter after a devastating one. I think I have another chapter or two of this story left. I will most likely start a new story or a continuance of this one some time after. I have to finish my Emison story first tho. It is funny because as I re-read through my work I realize how much of my own life is in these stories. If you guys look close enough, you probably could get a pretty good idea of who I am weirdly enough. Anyway, this was a really long author's note but I wanted to let you all know what was going on. As always, follows, favorites, and reviews are greatly appreciated :)


	17. Chapter 17: When Life Changes

Author Note's: Okay guys I know it has been a crazy long time since I updated. I am really sorry. I have had a hard time writing because I don't want this story to end. However, I am getting there, probably another chapter or two. Late holiday gift :) Favorite, follow, and please leave a comment

Chapter 17: When Life Changes

Maya

I immediately grab Riley's hand. "Whatever you want honey." I throw a glare behind my shoulder glare back at Lucas. I steer us toward the subway. On the subway I turn and pull her in tight. I can feel my shoulder grow damp. In this moment, I am pretty sure I am going to kill Lucas!

We ride like this for a little bit. I pull her back from me and see the tear stains down her face. This is completely breaking my heart. "Oh honey! He doesn't deserve your tears."

"I know. It's tears of frustration, not tears from losing him. I just can't believe he would treat me like that." I nod. I honestly can't believe it either. He has always been a gentleman and very kind. Well except when he feels he needs to protect his friends. I guess his dark side comes out when his feelings get involved. None of this matters though. It's an explanation, not an excuse for what he has done. He can't treat people this way. He definitely can't treat Riley like this, he doesn't get to make her cry.

We get off at the next stop. Once we are out Riley pulls back on my arm. "Maya, this isn't the right stop."

I smile. "Yes it is!"

"Oooookkkaaaayyyyy." She draws it out in confusion. " I'll follow you."

Riley

She doesn't let go of my hand, which makes me really happy. I love having her close to me and as much as the situation with Lucas sucks, I'm really happy that we don't have to go through with our plans to protect Maya. I didn't want to have to limit the time I have with her or not be able to touch her. Hell, I couldn't even handle one day.

Every once in a while she turns around to make sure I am okay and smiles at me. I really love when she smiles! She is so beautiful, just naturally beautiful. But her smile makes her light up. I don't know how I didn't realize my feelings for her just by her smiling at me.

We go into Central Park and now I'm really curious. "Maya?" She stops and turns around. "Sweetie, I promise you will love it." She waits for me to nod before starting back again.

We walk for quite a while before we end up in the Ramble. This is when I start to realize where we are going. We reach our tree soon after, the one we were at just the day before. It's like the whole day never happened and we get to just be us again. She sits down in the "tree seat" and holds her arms out to me. I don't hesitate and curl into her.

We sit like this for quite a while. Allowing me to calm down at first, but then it became just enjoying each other's company. "You know, peaches you're really feisty."

She feigns surprise. "Me! No, I am always kind and calm and never do anything I shouldn't."  
"Oh really now. Well we should fix that then." I smirk at her as she looks a bit confused. I lean in real quick and kiss her. Just as the kiss is about to deepen further, I pull back. I sit and smile. Maya still has her eyes closed for a couple seconds. "All fixed."

"See I think that is something I should be doing more often." This time she captures my lips. This kiss starts off passionate and urgent. Our lips are literally crashing together, hard. After a couple minutes, we let up a bit. We hear some people that are about to pass us. But unlike last time, we don't stop. Let them see. Woah, when did I become so nonchalant about PDA.

Maya

I hear people giggle before they walk away and I am happy that Riles didn't pull away. It makes me feel like she is more serious about this. I pull back once they are gone. She says "You know… I think I agree. That is definitely something we should keep doing. Guess you have to do something else that you shouldn't."

"Hmmmm… Let me think." I tap my chin like I am thinking really hard. "I could always go out with Erin or Zay. You know since I'm not dating anyone."

She pauses and places her hand over her heart. "Maya you wound me." She smiles. "But like seriously, you shouldn't do that. I have a feeling you will be dating someone soon."

"Erin?"

"Stop it Peaches. You know that actually upsets me."

"Okay honey. I won't tease you anymore. At least not about that."

"Do you realize how jealous I was?"

"Oh sweetie… It was obvious. You basically pulled me away from Erin. If you could have marked me as your own right there, you would have."

"You're right I would have. I wanted to kiss you in front of her stupid, stupid face." My smile grows. "What?!"

"You're cute when you're all jealous. But how do you think I have felt for months on end with you and Lucas? You had to deal for 24 hours." She looks at me pointedly.

"I know and it hurts me to think about. I never wanted you to feel that way. Ever. And now having experienced just a taste of it, I don't know how you stuck around for all that time."

"Easy." She simply says, "because I love you." Woah!

Riley

Wow! That's the first time she has said that since we kissed the first time. I just stare at her as I process this and then she starts to speak before I get a chance to respond. "Okay, let's calm down. I have been saying that forever. It just slipped out but it is also true. My like serious declaration of love will be much more extreme. I can promise you that. It will be long and heartfelt. You will probably cry. I mean it will most likely be me proposing." I stop her with a kiss before she has a heart attack. Just a quick peck, but it was effective.

"Peaches. You are rambling. I love you too. You should already know this. You are right, our relationship starts quicker because we have been "together" since we were so young. But we will figure this all out together." She nods. "You know what I'm happy about?"

"What?"

"That I am not in a relationship with Lucas."

"Oh yeah. Why's that?"

"Cause I can date you now."

"Well… we are going to take things slow."

"Yes I know. But that opens up the option big time. It hurt so much seeing someone else show interest in you. Losing Lucas literally feels like nothing in comparison."

Maya

I capture her lips at is probably one of the sweetest things someone has ever said to me. To want me, just me, so bad that the idea of someone else getting involved hurt her. After everything I have been through… I feel like I have just been lucky for these last few months. With Shawn marrying my mom and adopting me and literally getting the girl. I just… she makes me feel so… wanted.

I pull back. "Babe. I only want you. No other girl could ever even compare to you. For me, you are everything. You are what I want. Simple as that."

"So about that dating thing…" I start to laugh.

"You're persistent."

"I just know what I want. And having almost lost you twice over, I don't want to wait. We can take it slow, but will you be my girlfriend?"

I don't even hesitate. "Yes. Of course I will. God, I have been waiting forever to say that."

"Yyyyyyyyyyyyaaaayyyyyyyyyy." She jumps off my lap and is jumping up and down. She grabs my hands to pull me from the tree. Our bodies slam together as she entangles with me. Her lips are so soft, but the pressure is deep and hard. There is no space between us, but I can't think of a time where there ever was.


End file.
